Sunday, June 13, 2010


Hey you guys I have a date! This is unusual because normally I just get drunk and sleep with people. But I've fancied the same guy for bloody ages without any success and frankly it was all getting a little embarrassing, so when this came up I thought yeah, ok, why not, let's go dating, because it's nice to have a regular booty call relationships.

Just kidding! I hate relationships. I kinda like dating though, mainly from an entertainment point of view - in my mind it's some sort of cross between a beauty pageant and Who Dares Wins*. Dating is also kind of like Pokemon - gotta catch 'em all! Dates. Not antisocial diseases. Don't want to catch any of those.

Don't worry, though - this date has already been brought up to speed on my inherent shallowness via a drunken spiel about blog haiku. Apparently after I fell asleep he was awake for ages trying to think of a decent haiku - isn't that sweet?

Oh yeah. It's possible that my re-entry to the dating scene would be more impressive if the date wasn't with someone I already got drunk and slept with. But I'm pretty sure that's beside the point - dates is dates. Civilized, grown-up events. Civilized, grown-up events where I may get a free drink or even dinner! Or at least a hastily microwaved pie and a warm can of lager.

I'm hoping the already-slept-together bit removes some of the need for awkward small talk though, because I am horrible at small talk. Somewhere along the road of life one of my social filter fuses has blown and sometimes I confuse "So, what do you do?" with "This would be a completely appropriate time to tell the room about the time you made a mustache out of dog hair."

Do you know what else confuses me about dates? Everyone is sober. How are you supposed to get along with someone you don't know well when you're sober? (Outside of a work situation.)

So my plan is to turn up a little pissed and talk about myself a lot. I am awesome at dates. It is amazing that I don't have more of them.

*Marriage is like Monopoly - if you're any good at it you end up with all the money and houses.


uglygirl said...

Gosh! I would be scared if a potential date started talking about blog haiku.

IT IS ALLY said...

Yeah, it's pretty much how I vet potential suitors - if they can handle the blog haiku they can probably handle the other insanities. Haven't had anyone haiku me back before, though!

Also, does that mean we can never date? :(

bluzdude said...

I have a friend that uses dating sites as a supplement to her grocery shopping... when the cupboards are bare, it's time to line up a couple dates and score a couple of dinners.

slommler said...

Dating...a scary place to be I think. I would be terrible at it too. Small talk is not my forte and I find myself at a loss as to what to discuss at all.
It would be miserable.
So drunk might be the way to go after all!! LOL!!
Have fun and good luck

Phil said...

Hey - always wanted to ask - is that image at the top of your blog a glittered lady on a bed of rw meat?

Amanda said...

Haha that is the best blog entry I've read all week - no joke. But seriously... i agree, the small talk bit is the worst.

IT IS ALLY said...

bluz - Hahaha! That's quite well-conceived. I'll bear it in mind for the hard times :D

SueAnn - glad it's not just me! I think secretly no-one is any good at small talk, some just fake it better than others.

Phil - Ummm. You know, I've never really thought about that. I think it's strawberries, but it could totally be meat.

Amanda - thank you! Yeah, I know. I especially cringe at "so what do you do?" and its ugly sister, "so what do you do for fun?"

otherworldlyone said...

Ah, a DATE. Why CAN'T we get drunk before hand? People are so much more interesting when they've had 7 Jack and Cokes and their top won't stay up.

Let us know how it went, eh?

Anonymous said...

Phil, pretty sure they're red rose petals.

Phil said...

"Hey baby you got me / Like a bullet shot me / Right through my ventricle / Don't know what I'm meant to do/ But so glad yo missed ma testicle."

ROFO said...

that picture of the header is lovely

IT IS ALLY said...

ow1 - EXACTLY. That's the state I prefer to meet people in anyway.

Anon - You know, I should really find that out.

Phil - HAHAHAHA. Gold.

ROFO - Thank you. I am trying to guess what ROFO stands for but all of my guesses are Rude Or Filthy Ones.

sessess is the word verification sessess

Riadan said...

That's a damn lie! I've haiku'd you at least once. And if I haven't, I'll write one again.

Visit her fam-lee
Made friends with her dog but he
Bit me on the FACE!