Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Irrational Fear No. 17: Psychics

Not regular psychics (although I'm not a huge fan of the telly ones) - stealth psychics. Psychics who are just regular people. But listening to your thoughts.

Specifically, at band. Band is a place where I seem to have a disproportionately large amount of inappropriate thoughts. It's easy to do - one minute you're sitting there counting your 26 bars rest and the next you're wondering, quite accidentally, what certain other band members would look like in hotpants. What? It's not my fault. Sometimes band is boring and it is hard to stop a wandering mind. Probably everyone else in band just sits there thinking their filthy thoughts and going slightly pink in the cheeks*, but I panic, because what if someone in band was psychic??

And then as soon as I have thought this a particularly lewd vision will spring into my mind and oh my God, I am sorry if you are listening, unidentified-psychic-in-band, I didn't even mean to think that last thing about the nude marching practice and now I can't stop thinking it. And then I try to second-guess the band psychic, like this:

Me, silently: "If you are a psychic then make eye contact."
Random trombone player: *eye contact*
Me, silently: "Oh God Oh God no that was too obvious. If you are the band psychic, random trombone player, don't make eye contact. Sorry about nude marching thought."
Random trombone player: *eye contact*
Me: *silent sigh of relief instantly followed by unwanted lewd thought about random trombone player instantly followed by panicked thought about what if band psychic is actually euphonium player and not trombone player at all instantly followed by me starting to play two bars early and on the wrong note*

I was going to ask if anyone else has this fear but now that I have written it down it is quite obvious that you won't because it is quite mad. Sorry, everyone.

*or, you know, counting their bars rest and not being perverts


slommler said...

Ha!! I never thought to worry about that!! Now you have done it!! I have to think about this now. Sheesh!!

otherworldlyone said...

Actually, swear to gawd, this happens to me from time to time.

I'll be in a group of people and some random, nasty thought will pop into my head and I'll wonder that same thing: What if someone in this room can hear what I'm thinking?

And of course, like you said, it's followed by another random lewd thought...unintentionally. I start looking around and sizing them up, trying to decide who, if any of them, looks like they're hiding super brain powers.

It usually passes as soon as it comes, but man...so weird.

Hey, at least you're not the only one, right?

Anonymous said...

i am also guilty of this, it can become kind of awkward actually! I also have a strange thing about always saying bless you when someone sneezes because of the movie Dogma, where matt damon is a fallen angel and he kills a lady not for anything bad, but because she didnt say bless you when he sneezed. Sounds creepy when I write it out, but its a really funny movie in real life, not in blig typing life where it just looks creepy.

Anonymous said...

also i meant blog, not blig!

BrightenedBoy said...

You know, I have a lot of irrational fears but this really takes the cake.

I have out-of-control dirty thoughts in church. There's just something about having to turn on solemnity that makes it impossible to do.

I'm one of those people who worried that God or my late grandparents will be watching when I do naughty things.

Vanilla said...

For this very reason, when I am in a large crowd I nod reassuringly and with a coy smile at any daydreamers just to freak them out.

Every so often throwing a shocked (I’ve caught you thinking about donkeys) look to see if I can induce incontinence.

chris.dadness said...

Vanilla - what you really need is a Roadrunner-style sign you can whip out and brandish that says I'VE CAUGHT YOU THINKING ABOUT DONKEYS. Then you'll see whose brought along some spare pants.

Phil said...

I actually hope that I can send messages to some people.

E.g. when I'm in a boring conversation, I think REALLY hard:
Will you shut up! Shut up NOW! Stop talking - you are the most coma-inducing bastard on the f***ing planet!!!!

Or when people are farting around at the checkout and can't remember their PIN number:
HURRY the F*** UP! You moronic shopping Neaderthal!! Pay the bill and scurry back to your damp cave!!

Sometimes it works.

Anonymous said...

I most definately do this!! My goodness, I thought I was the only one!!

erin said...

Ah! I do the same thing too. The in my head apology just in case any psychics are listening! Haha!

Oh god. Hopefully we don't get put in straight jackets for this.

Josh said...

Every so often you should think "I know you're listening" in the most evil way you can. That should scare them off.

Note: Saying this to an empty room will freak the occasional government spy out.


Troutie said...

I have no idea how I got here but you are fucking hilarious.