Sunday, June 06, 2010

Wieners of the Week

I know it's been a while since a WotW, but it's a long weekend and I woke up cranky because I had a kickass dream about taking a train through the snow for weeks and having adventures with polar bears and then I woke up and bam! No train, no bears, no snow. Just bed and the dog and rain and someone somewhere else in the house playing KE$HA really loudly.

Bus DJs - That guy sitting three seats behind you who thinks that it's super cool of him to turn his headphones up real loud and share his shitty nu-metal with all the other passengers. Why do they sell headphones that broadcast whatever wank the kids are listening to these days buswide? Isn't the whole purpose of headphones that you can listen to your music without anyone else having to? Sheesh. Let's just all go back to carrying our radios about on our shoulders and then when you blast your Chamillionaire I'ma blast my [band you guys think is cool] right back.

Song Lyrics as Facebook Statuses - Oh, come on. If you can't think of a creative way to say "I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today" without referring to Pearl Jam's back catalogue maybe it is too soon for you to be allowed on Facebook. Lyrics as statuses don't say, "I am an interesting person with deep thoughts." They say "I want to sound like an interesting person with deep thoughts but I can't be bothered actually having any deep thoughts. My deepest thought today was about how tinned spaghetti never quite tastes the same as regular spaghetti."

Tinned Spaghetti - Never tastes quite the same as regular spagh
etti. Gross.

The People who Name Dog Breeds - I appreciate that when you're a dog breeder (which to me, perhaps somewhat unfairly, implies "chubby lesbian") and you end up with the lovechild of a labrador and a poodle sitting in your kitchen, it can be difficult to know what to call it and you sort of blurt out "Labradoodle!" and then it's too late because all the other breeders are round at your place for a Twister evening and everyone heard and now the dog is called that forever. I get that. But there is no excuse for the Cockerpoo.

Look how embarrassed this Cockerpoo is.

Couples that own dogs and refer to themselves as Mummy and Daddy. Putting the 'ick' in 'ridiculous.'

Dude I sit next to at band, who is pathologically incapable of sitting still and being quiet for 5 minutes while someone else is playing. He's a nice guy and we get along, but I swear, if I hear one more goddamn knuckle crack or music shuffle or fiddling with valves or barely disguised burp during the quiet passages I am going to hit him in the f
ace with my trumpet.

Reese Tong - douchebag extraordinaire who has been gatecrashing Wellington funerals for the last couple of months, pretending to mourn and then, when the grieving backs are turned, filling up Tupperware containers with food. This is him in action, so if you happen to be in Wellington and see him you know who to spit at.

Do you want to hit him? I do.

Debrahlee Lorenzana, better known as "woman who is claiming Citibank fired her for being too hot."

I'm too sexy for this bank

Citibank says she was fired for "performance-based reasons," but she's suing because obviously that wasn't the real reason, it was Citibank's inability to deal with her over-riding hotness. Lady is a wiener. She had previously been asked to wear less tight-fitting, more work-appropriate clothing but this has nothing to do with her eventual firing, just her slutty workwear. Debrahlee says that none of the other women in her department were asked to change what they wore, because their "general unattractiveness rendered moot their sartorial choices." Ouch. Shut up and take your redundancy like a man, Debrahlee. What kind of a name is Debrahlee anyway?

(p.s. one of the best meetings I've ever been in was when a colleague in a very low-cut top was resting her sizeable chest on the table and got asked to sit up straight because the boss couldn't focus.)

John Mayer, Lord of the Wieners: Twitter edition! I would like to present for your approval a selection of Mr. Mayer's recent tweeturds:

"I'm being schooled in video rendering right now. This is why Twitter can rock from time to time. Like a humid, throbbing Google." A humid, throbbing Google. Yeah, that's exactly how I never wanted to think of Twitter.

"
I'm not interested in who you are as a person when you're rockin'. I'm interested in who you are when you're not." I... does this make sense to anyone? Am I missing something?

"
I want someone to record my voice and turn it into a font." I love this so much. John Mayer, meet Comic Sans.
"You have to deal with the idiot if you want the savant." Yes. Evidently.

23 comments:

Holly said...

Heheh one of my friends got a Cockapoo last weekend! Yes it has a silly name, but it's also pretty cute!

Funeral crashing guy is terrible. I'd be really angry if he turned up at my family member's funeral FOR THE FOOD! :/

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you

you look like a monkey
and you smell like one to.

I love, love my dog!

WORD

slommler said...

Funeral guy; definitely a wiener!! Guy with loud ear phones; ditto! Cockapoo...seriously? Best spaghetti: Olive Garden!!
Happy Birthday sweetie!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Mr London Street said...

I'm afraid I find funeral guy's exploits deeply hilarious so I can't agree with you on that one.

IT IS ALLY said...

Holly - Such cute dogs! Such a horrible mental image.

Kat - Hahaha. Put the bottle down.

SueAnn - thank you! But not actually my proper birthday til July.

MLS - That's ok. You can come to my funeral and raid the buffet

Mr London Street said...

Yes, you had better lay on some decent food.

Not literally though, because then I'd have to roll your corpse off the food to get to it, and I bet all the vol-au-vents would be squashed.

IT IS ALLY said...

It could be like one of those bars where you eat sushi off the naked ladies! I wouldn't be naked, though. Bit tacky being naked at your own funeral.

Mr London Street said...

Good to know you wouldn't be seen dead naked.

Mrs. L said...

Absolutely your best list of wankers, er, wieners, yet.

Michelle said...

ha ha COMIC SANS!! take that John!!!

Brutal, Ally!

Tressa Bailey said...

new to the page...but freakin lovin it!

a cat of impossible colour said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Phil said...

I wanna cross a Wheaten Terrier with a Chocolate Lab and have ..... Ta day! Chocolate Wheaten puppies!!

(Only NZ cookie fans will get this)

IT IS ALLY said...

MLS - Boom boom!

Mrs L - Thank you!

Michelle - Hahaha. Brutal but deserved, no?

Tressa - Welcome! And thank you, glad you're enjoying it

Andrea - TEEHEEHEEHEE thank you, I like your comments which are just hysterical laughter

Phil - HAHAHAHAHA that is awesome and I wish I had thought of it first

Juli Ryan said...

I think my SIL has a Cockapoo, but she calls it a Spoodle.

chris.dadness said...

The man's name is Reese Tong? Come on, he's already suffered enough.

I think people are now encouraging mismatched dogs to have sex, just because they have thought up a heh-heh-hilarious new breed name like rhodesian ridgeadoodle or something. And that's just sick.

Helga! said...

Most especially feckwits smallcocks with fricking lazer beams INSIDE their head phones fuck me off.Notice it is NEVER a girl?!
That stupid Deborahlezzo-what kind of a frigging name indeed-deserves the biggest bitch slap.And the rough end of a pineapple.
There are a lot of weiners,shit WIENERS out there,and you are just the girl to hunt thewm down and attach electrodes to their nether regions and do nasty things.Yeah.
Note the wheelchair dude by hte word verification space,Freaky.

Judearoo said...

Cockerpoo? Christ that's cruel.

otherworldlyone said...

As awful as the pretend mourning is, I'm with MLS. I found it quite funny. I could just picture one of my relatives stuffing leftovers into a tupperware container and sliding it into the bib of their overalls.

Every time I hear a John M song now, I cringe.

Am emailing you my address and am super excited about the necklace.

BookieMonster said...

"Couples that own dogs and refer to themselves as Mummy and Daddy. Putting the 'ick' in 'ridiculous.'"

It's okay when it's cats though, right?
*worried look*

BrightenedBoy said...

I'm so with you on the song lyrics as Facebook statuses thing. It reeks of someone trying to appear profound.

I know this one kid whose every Facebook status is a quote from "The Howl," Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson, Ayn Rand, or some other gritty realist author.

Very irritating.

Phil said...

Back to cross-breeds

What about a Cocker Spaniel/Labradoodle x Labradoodle cross:

Cocker Doodle Doo !!

IT IS ALLY said...

Juli - See? Spoodle is much better. Sounds like a kind of noveltly pasta.

Chris - yep. Like the Chihuastiff. Or the Shihtsky.

Helga! - we should go on an electroding mission. In wheelchairs, to trick people.

Jude - I know! Mean people, dog breeders.

ow1 - On second thought, you and MLS are BANNED from my funeral. There would be a Scene.

Bookie - Oh, yeah, cats is fine. Totally different. *worried look*

Brightened - Oh man, don't even get me started on pretentious twits carting about copies of On The Road.

Phil - Could you cross a Husky with a Daschund and call it a Husky Wiener? That was a lame effort, I just wanted to say husky wiener. Ha ha. Sorry. Or you could cross a Daschund with a Spitz and I'll leave you to figure that one out for yourself.

NO I WON'T HA HA HA WIENER SPITZ

man I need to grow up