Monday, July 26, 2010

Wieners of the Week

Hi everyone! This was my day: the heart is a fickle and ruthless bastard demon* BUT I sold that ad space I was whinging about yesterday by breaking it down into two smaller ads and selling those for more than the first ad was worth which is totally legit and should stand between me and fired for another week (just kidding, they aren't really going to fire me unless I do something heinous).

And now, some wieners!

Internet newbies,
specifically the ones which have just discovered lolcats. I mean, I enjoy a good lol as much as the next person, but when someone starts emailing me all excited because LONGCAT IS LONG!!!11 and then forwards 10 motivational posters, all of which I have seen before, it gets annoying. Longcat has been long since 2005. This is the Internet equivalent of running round to play your friend this great band you've just discovered and it's the Beatles.

Hotel milk packets.
Is it possible to open one of these without spraying milk all over your pants and the minibar? No. And then there is not enough milk left in the pottle for your cup of tea and so you have to open another pottle and now all the towels are covered in milk and also there is tea everywhere because while trying to open the third milk packet you lost control and whacked your elbow into the cup of tea and oh my God, let's just have a glass of wine and I don't care that it's breakfast time we are on holiday and I will drink what I want and I am taking my wine into the shower now and when I get out I expect you to have called room service and gotten more of those little milk packets, because we have run out.

'Z's moonlighting as 'S's
Practically everything we do as a country has to have either 'kiwi' or 'NZ' in it. Right now, I am looking at a tin of 'BEANZ' and I'm pretty sure it only has beans in it. Sigh. Which leads me swiftly to my next point:

Whoever names hairdressing salons.

I have a theory that hairdressers have their own secret society, and that one of the rules is that when you name your salon it MUST have either a) a terrible pun or b) an unnecessary Z in it or you will be CURSED and all of your perms will turn to peroxides, or whatever counts for bad shit in the hairdressing world. Here are some Christchurch examples:

Terrible Pun
- Ali Barbers
- Ahead in Hair
- Blade Runners
- Cut Loose
- Hair 2 Day
- Headstart
- Hair Razor
- Head Rush
- Knotting Hill
- Scissortrix
- The Headmistress

Naughty Z

- Blondyz
- Cruize Cutz
- Cutz
- Cutz R Us
- Canterbury Cutz
- Expertize Hairdressing
- Frendz
- Kendal Kutz
- Ocean Bladez

That's not all of them, either. That's how many I could write down before I became sad and angry.

People who talk when the TV is on
It's fine to blather on about your day when there's something on that no-one's watching, like Gone Fishing or Glee, but when someone is actually trying to watch the television it is rude to talk. Even if you don't think the program is worth watching, be a little courteous and save your yap yap til the ad breaks, for the love of God. Unless, of course, the show is something that you don't need to listen to, like Who Wants to be a Millionaire, or Glee.

Ostentatious farters
You can make gas come out of your bum! Wooooo! Guess what. So can everyone else. It's not a damn superpower.

Crossing button slammers.

You know, those people who stand next to you at the pedestrian crossing, furiously pushing the button in the hopes that this will somehow make the lights change faster. It doesn't! Why would it? It's completely illogical!

Note that it's not a picture of a little red man frantically pushing a button.

*thanks Wigu


otherworldlyone said...

I feel the same way about elevator buttons. You can stab it all day long, dude, and it's still not going to come any faster.

That last sentence also doubles for foreplay, btw. Because in my experience, angry elevator button stabbers turn out to be angry clit stabbers. Not fun.

Anonymous said...

Aww, you haven't included my favourite hairdresser pun, 'Curl Up and Dye.' Legit makes me smile, but that's because I have a soft spot for puns. Especially title puns. I find they make the world a more cheerful place!

I'm with you on the pedestrian crossing thing, though. Hitting it doesn't make the light change any faster! It also drives me mad in general when people come up behind me and see that the 'WAIT' sign is illuminated, meaning that I've already pressed the button, but press it again for good measure. Like, I get that sometimes people forget to press it, but when it's actually *lit up* to prevent that very problem, grrrr.

(Also my verification word is suallywr, which I find to be a lovely coincidence)

Anonymous said...

And I forgot, yes on the new-to-the-internet people.

Like those who must reccommend this great new thing! Badgerbadgerbadger! Trogdor! :/

slommler said...

Love your wiener days...too funny!
Yes those button pushers drive me crazy too! I mean seriously.
Oh and those milk containers are the worst. I am with you on the wine in the shower..the heck with the coffee or tea!! More wine please!

Michelle said...

I am a button pusher! but not because I'm angry, more because I don't know what to do with my hands while I'm waiting! If I have pockets: hands in pockets; if i have a bag: bag straps get adjusted; if I have hair out: fiddle with hair; none of the above: push the button!!

There used to be a barbers in Sydenham called 'Happy Hackerz'... because that name makes me want to get my hair cut there!!

a cat of impossible colour said...

Claire - I completely agree with you. I thought I was the only one overtaken by incandescent rage when I have ALREADY pushed the button and some wanker comes along, sees that I have pushed it and pushes it again because clearly my push was INADEQUATE and WRONG.

a cat of impossible colour said...

Also, 'Angry Clit Stabbers' would be a great band name.

chris.dadness said...

Got the new ACS album? Jesus Christ It's Here Somewhere Yeah? Awesome.