There are a couple of disclaimers for today's post:
Firstly, it's very unsuitable for work.
Secondly, it's in an odd font because I copied it across from Word and tried to change it back and Blogger just. didn't. get. it. Sorry.
Dear Men: don't ever follow any of the advice on AskMen.com. It will not get you laid, and if you are already lucky enough to be getting lucky, AskMen's advice will get you unlaid very, very fast.
Dear Women: suggest you do not visit AskMen as the sheer volume of articles on 'how to trick your woman into doing something she doesn't want to, like making home porn or taking it up the bum or going on the Pill or having a threesome or, well, anything really' will make you angry.
Basically, this site knows nothing about women, except that they have boobs and are a pretty good place to put your penis. It claims to have female columnists but I know that is not true because a female would never write this sentence:
“The beauty of oral sex is that it doesn’t matter how big your penis is, how cut you are or how ugly you are; when your face is covered in her, neither of you will care.”
It's just not something a female would write.
AskMen is awful and misogynistic and degrading, and I hardly ever get fired up on behalf of the sisterhood, so trust me when I say it is completely horrible. But sometimes, in its awfulness, AskMen is pretty funny!
Here are some of AskMen's more sublime phrases. If you think some of these are bad, I took out four because I was just too angry.
- AskMen is pretty good with suggestions for dirty talk. Its first suggestion is, "Do you want me to slide my throbbing member into your sweet portal?" Throbbing member! Sweet portal! Oo-er! (Also, where does the portal take you to? Where does he think his throbbing member is going to? Another dimension? Space?)
- “Kick her libido into high gear [...] baby powder can have a similar effect by activating her “scent print,” which links babies to procreation.” Baby powder is sexy? Really? I'm pretty sure if the Pilot showed up reeking of baby powder my first question wouldn't be "Can you slide your throbbing member into my sweet portal?" It would be, "Why do you smell like babies?" And the Pilot would say, "It's sexy." And I would say, "No it's not." Then I would pause, and then I would say:, "Also, did you go and buy baby powder just for this event, or do you already ow- you know what? I don't want to know."
- "Women withhold sex because men let them get away with it." Ignoring for a second the worryingly rape-y undertones of that statement (again, supposedly written by a woman), this is blatantly untrue. Women withhold sex because you smell like baby powder.
- AskMen points out, considerately, that the man shouldn't say 'thanks' after sex because it makes the woman feel like a prostitute. How considerate of you, AskMen! But what should the gentleman-about-town say post-coitus?? Luckily AskMen has the answer: replace 'thanks' with "That was freakin’ awesome baby! You are so good at that!" Personally, and it may be just me, but I'd rather feel like a hooker than a college buddy who just played a really good Foosball shot. Freakin' awesome.
- Then there is a bit where AskMen suggests you buy your girlfriend a push-up bra, because “Considering her cleavage will be heavily enhanced, she'll feel like a total woman, which will be good for you come the end of the night.” Yep. Implying that your girlfriend requires more cleavage is totally going to get you laid. Where's the logic, AskMen?
- OH WAIT HERE IT IS: AskMen says you should be respectful when sleeping with a virgin. Not, you know, because that's a decent thing to do, just because “A little compassion in this arena could land you a very loyal woman who’s eager to please.” Women! They're just like dogs! Sex! It's like a chew toy for women! Fuck off, AskMen. But speaking of chewing... let's have another dirty talk suggestion.
- Imagine this scene: you are lying in bed with your handsome lover, and he leans over, looks deep into your eyes, and murmurs, "Your ass looks so juicy! Can I have a bite?" Uhhhh. Quite apart from the fact that it bothers me that the team at AskMen think this is ubersexy, what is your handsome lover intending to do if you say yes -
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP YUM YUM YUM BABY WHY AM I ON THE COUCH?? :(
- More dirty talk advice: "Reassure her with encouraging words like, "Oh yeah, I can't wait for you to drench my hands." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm sorry if I'm offending any drench devotees in the audience, but that's not reassuring, that's, well, it's a bit gross. And yet another phrase that would inspire fits of hilarity, not passion.
- And finally, my favourite: "Just about every woman in the world wishes her man would take the time to arouse her to full capacity, but that doesn't just include kissing her mouth and her nubbin." HAHAHAHAHA nubbin! 'Eyes glowing with desire, he tenderly lowered his mouth to her waiting... nubbin?' Nubbin? Who the FUCK says nubbin? Seriously, I can't stop laughing.
Or is it?
- “Never, under any circumstances, blow into a woman's vagina as though trying to fill it with air.”
This is actually pretty solid advice. In the words of Raquel, 'now I have images of a guy trying to blow up a balloon, except that it isn't a balloon at all.' What would you do if this happened to you? Maybe you could just do it back. Would be like blowing up an air mattress, when it gets full and you're just going "FFFFF" and getting red in the face.
BEWARE OF THE MIGHTY NUBBIN
DO NOT BLOW DIRECTLY INTO THE VAGINA
NEVER VISIT ASKMEN.COM AGAIN