Monday, September 27, 2010

Don't AskMen

There are a couple of disclaimers for today's post:
Firstly, it's very unsuitable for work.
Secondly, it's in an odd font because I copied it across from Word and tried to change it back and Blogger just. didn't. get. it. Sorry.

Dear Men: don't ever follow any of the advice on AskMen.com. It will not get you laid, and if you are already lucky enough to be getting lucky, AskMen's advice will get you unlaid very, very fast.

Dear Women: suggest you do not visit AskMen as the sheer volume of articles on 'how to trick your woman into doing something she doesn't want to, like making home porn or taking it up the bum or going on the Pill or having a threesome or, well, anything really' will make you angry.

Basically, this site knows nothing about women, except that they have boobs and are a pretty good place to put your penis. It claims to have female columnists but I know that is not true because a female would never write this sentence:

“The beauty of oral sex is that it doesn’t matter how big your penis is, how cut you are or how ugly you are; when your face is covered in her, neither of you will care.”

It's just not something a female would write.

AskMen is awful and misogynistic and degrading, and I hardly ever get fired up on behalf of the sisterhood, so trust me when I say it is completely horrible. But sometimes, in its awfulness, AskMen is pretty funny!

Here are some of AskMen's more sublime phrases. If you think some of these are bad, I took out four because I was just too angry.

  • AskMen is pretty good with suggestions for dirty talk. Its first suggestion is, "Do you want me to slide my throbbing member into your sweet portal?" Throbbing member! Sweet portal! Oo-er! (Also, where does the portal take you to? Where does he think his throbbing member is going to? Another dimension? Space?)

  • “Kick her libido into high gear [...] baby powder can have a similar effect by activating her “scent print,” which links babies to procreation.” Baby powder is sexy? Really? I'm pretty sure if the Pilot showed up reeking of baby powder my first question wouldn't be "Can you slide your throbbing member into my sweet portal?" It would be, "Why do you smell like babies?" And the Pilot would say, "It's sexy." And I would say, "No it's not." Then I would pause, and then I would say:, "Also, did you go and buy baby powder just for this event, or do you already ow- you know what? I don't want to know."

  • "Women withhold sex because men let them get away with it." Ignoring for a second the worryingly rape-y undertones of that statement (again, supposedly written by a woman), this is blatantly untrue. Women withhold sex because you smell like baby powder.

  • AskMen points out, considerately, that the man shouldn't say 'thanks' after sex because it makes the woman feel like a prostitute. How considerate of you, AskMen! But what should the gentleman-about-town say post-coitus?? Luckily AskMen has the answer: replace 'thanks' with "That was freakin’ awesome baby! You are so good at that!" Personally, and it may be just me, but I'd rather feel like a hooker than a college buddy who just played a really good Foosball shot. Freakin' awesome.

  • Then there is a bit where AskMen suggests you buy your girlfriend a push-up bra, because “Considering her cleavage will be heavily enhanced, she'll feel like a total woman, which will be good for you come the end of the night.” Yep. Implying that your girlfriend requires more cleavage is totally going to get you laid. Where's the logic, AskMen?

  • OH WAIT HERE IT IS: AskMen says you should be respectful when sleeping with a virgin. Not, you know, because that's a decent thing to do, just because A little compassion in this arena could land you a very loyal woman who’s eager to please.” Women! They're just like dogs! Sex! It's like a chew toy for women! Fuck off, AskMen. But speaking of chewing... let's have another dirty talk suggestion.
  • Imagine this scene: you are lying in bed with your handsome lover, and he leans over, looks deep into your eyes, and murmurs, "Your ass looks so juicy! Can I have a bite?" Uhhhh. Quite apart from the fact that it bothers me that the team at AskMen think this is ubersexy, what is your handsome lover intending to do if you say yes -
    CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP YUM YUM YUM BABY WHY AM I ON THE COUCH?? :(

  • More dirty talk advice: "Reassure her with encouraging words like, "Oh yeah, I can't wait for you to drench my hands." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm sorry if I'm offending any drench devotees in the audience, but that's not reassuring, that's, well, it's a bit gross. And yet another phrase that would inspire fits of hilarity, not passion.

  • And finally, my favourite: "Just about every woman in the world wishes her man would take the time to arouse her to full capacity, but that doesn't just include kissing her mouth and her nubbin." HAHAHAHAHA nubbin! 'Eyes glowing with desire, he tenderly lowered his mouth to her waiting... nubbin?' Nubbin? Who the FUCK says nubbin? Seriously, I can't stop laughing.
It's official - ASkMen.com is the worst source of advice in the world.

Or is it?

  • “Never, under any circumstances, blow into a woman's vagina as though trying to fill it with air.”

    This is actually pretty solid advice. In the words of Raquel, 'now I have images of a guy trying to blow up a balloon, except that it isn't a balloon at all.' What would you do if this happened to you? Maybe you could just do it back. Would be like blowing up an air mattress, when it gets full and you're just going "FFFFF" and getting red in the face.

    BEWARE OF THE MIGHTY NUBBIN

    DO NOT BLOW DIRECTLY INTO THE VAGINA

    NEVER VISIT ASKMEN.COM AGAIN


20 comments:

inflammatory writ said...

I am literally CRYING with laughter. What. the. fucking. fuck. NUBBIN? HAhHAHAHAHAasdhfjhasfda. *dies*

There is no way a woman wrote that. No way. And if someone ever referred to my vagina as a "portal", they'd be out of luck.

Phil said...

I found one of my father's sex manuals from the 1950s which advised that "a woman will become very aroused if you give her clitoris a brisk rub."

Nubbin rubbin' has obviously been invaluable in entering many portals

Jackie said...

I do remember that site being horrendously misogynistic. Those are just...a whole new level of awkward and horrible. And hilarious. Perhaps the portal leads to Narnia?

Lola Lakely said...

I am DYING to know who the hell are the people who are giving out this dirty talk advice? It's probably the same people who write about heaving bosoms in 1800 style romance novels because honestly, that's the last time I read something about a "member"

Nice post Ally!

Em said...

Eww, I think AskMen is written by a grubby, little (in every sense), frustrated goblin who has only ever 'enjoyed' himself - hence his superior knowledge of women. Go, you sex machine!

*uncorked said...

Wow. Phenomenal commentary here. I'm dying over here. Nubbin rubbin'. YOU should go write for them.

Cat said...

ACTUALLY never blow into a vagina though (or let anyone blow into yours!) because genuinely, all kidding aside, it can cause air embolism i.e. an oxygen bubble in your blood, which can kill you. I know right? But it can.

Raquel said...

It just baffles me why anyone would blow into a vagina. "Blow job" is not a literal term.

@Phil - that 'brisk rub' comment made me both flinch and think of that part in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life when John Cleese is giving sex ed. "Rub the clitoris? What's wrong with a nice kiss! You don't have to go charging for the clitoris like a bull at the gate!"

Sam said...

Read this in the uni library. I think I'm red from trying not to a) laugh my ass literally off my chair and b) from anger.

AskMen really is the stupidest website and I hope like hell no one takes them seriously! But people are kind of stupid so it would not surprise me to find some guy actually taking their advice.

Monster Girl said...

THROWING UP NOW. Yuck. That site makes me scared of men as a species.

Phil said...

Monster Girl - hopefully, there are some of us who know that making love and schoolboy porn movie fantasies have nothing in common!

Juicebox said...

I laughed so hard my chainsmoker lungs almsot gave up.

Also, the word verification thing is 'axingles'. It seems like that should be a real word.

IT IS ALLY said...

inflammatory writ - All day at work I kept thinking "NUBBIN" and completely losing my shit. I think I'm going to get fired and/or wheeled out of the building in a straitjacket.

Phil - A brisk rub? A brisk rub is what you give a towel-wrapped wet dog! Not sensitive lady parts. Mind you, it was the 50's. I'm surprised they had clitorises back then.

Jackie - Hahaha! You pop in, and there's Mr. Tumnus. Awkward!

Lola - Thanks! I have NO idea who gives the advice. It's almost as if they have a random generating machine that spits out sentences: *BEEP BEEP [verb] her [lurid adjective] [body part] BEEP BEEP*

Em - It totally is. By a whole group of them, I think. A Wanker's Collective

V - Thank you! And also, I totally should. My advice would be way better than theirs.

Cat - Thank you! I shall make sure never to blow into any vaginae, and you can bet your ass no-one's huffing into mine.

Raquel - I know, right? Who would ever think that would seem like a good idea? Mind you. I guess this is the civilization that gave us felching, let's not underestimate.

Sam - Hope you didn't disturb the peace too much! That rule about libraries being quiet is kind of stupid anyway.

Monster Girl - I know! All joking aside, it's actually awful. If I was more proactive/powerful/feminist I would try and do something about it because, ick.

Juicebox - "She gently fondled his axingles, as his hand strayed towards her nubbin." IT'S A WORD NOW

cerebral e said...

Drench? That is so unsexy. At least say "moist". That is way sexier. Sexier than baby powder, anyway.

Blowing into the vagina could result in vaginal flatus. You have to be pretty comfortable with your partner for your relationship to survive a fanny fart.

Janet said...

Oh, God! AskMen sounds completely horrid. (I've never checked it out.) It seems like it condones rape, with the tricking into doing stuff she doesn't want to do stuff.

Throbbing member into a sweet portal somehow makes me think of internet message boards and angry members, not sex. Seems kind of...well, stupid.

I had no clue baby powder was sexy either. I would think that baby powder would remind women of dirty diapers, diaper rash, and other non-sexy things.

The nubbin part reminds me of Friends, 'cause Chandler's third nipple was called a nubbin, so I'm totally imagining Matthew Perry when I read that.

It seems that women are pretty much objects on the site. Is there an AskWomen? It seems like women could probably spend as much, or more, time mocking the idiocy of the males who go to that site.

Kacy said...

Portal...NUBBIN (BAHAHA)...throbbing member...is it just me or does it sounds like the bastardchild of D&D and a bodice ripper!!!

One other thing...just out of curiousity, since when is it a good idea (when you want to get laid and not a kick in the balls) to insinuate TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND that her boobs are too small by buying her a push-up bra???!!!

Troutie said...

Whenever I smell baby powder it makes me think of prison. Women in prison use a lot of baby powder, presumably because its cheap. I have spent a lot of time in prison, so I know this.

And Nubbin? I have heard it referred to as a lot of things but nubbin? Never. And I thought I was a woman of the world!

Amy said...

Toward the end I laughed so much that I started crying. You just kill me. Now that image of a vagina as balloon won't get out of my head. SO WRONG.

Anonymous said...

Read any women's magazines lately? If that site worries you, Cosmo should launch you into space.

Nothing said, no objectification, no misinterpretation or flat out lie stated there about women has not been stated ad infinitum about men, in women's magazines, since women's magazines were invented.

Would not lose sleep over it. Welcome to equality.

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