Sunday, January 09, 2011

Grumbles and vampires and emos, oh my

I am in the sort of mood where you think, oh fuck it, no matter what I do I am still going to end up stumbling drunkenly through life in a pair of egg-stained pyjamas, so I'm sorry if this post isn't very good*.

You know the mood I mean? The one where nothing is actually wrong, but if you think about it enough everything is wrong. Basically, I am just being self-indulgent and emo and - yuck! There are flies mating on my leg and I just noticed. Fuck off, flies! Can't you see I want to be alone?

Unfortunately I Google searched "emo" to find some images to go with this post and the results have given me the giggles and I'm barely even that fucked off anymore. Damn it.

I am not this emo

OH MY GOD JUST TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ANY MORE
MAYBE YOU COULD SELL IT ON THE BLACK MARKET OR SOMETHING
?

Anyway, all this emo-ing about on Google reminded me of the vampire forum I stumbled across the other day. I love the Internet almost as much as I hate and am weirded out by the Internet, and I was going to demonstrate that by posting a picture of two dudes in full leopard body paint going at it, but I decided to spare you. You're welcome.

The vampire forums (of course there's more than one!) are for real vampires to chat about vampire things, complete with a lengthy scientific explanation of why vampires are totes legit ("Vampires are immortal. The greatest impossibility. Or is it?")

Here are some excerpts. I was originally a little unsure about posting these as the many supernatural TV shows out there have all warned against taking the piss out of vampires because they will hunt you down and suck you dry, but then I remembered that actually vampires aren't real, no matter what the self-professed psychic vampire/elf hybrid tells you.

And if they are, what an interesting demise it would be!

"I refer to myself as an Ageless vampire. I have seen a great deal that has led me to believe that this is the case, but I have not outlived a normal human lifetime yet."
Well, I guess it's only a matter of time. Personally I believe I would be an excellent figure skater, but I have not done any figure skating yet.

"When well fed, I can drink soda and piss it out at the same time."
The 'well fed' here refers to 'on blood'. That is the hallmark of a true vampire - super strength, huge fangs, can drink soda and piss it out at the same time.
You hear that, ladies? At the same time.


The best parts, though, are the comments about the effect of sunlight on a vampire:

"'After a few minutes' would be a little overexaggerated, at least when not in summer, it takes about half an hour to start burning for me."
Peculiarly, this is not unlike the effect of sunlight on me. OH MY GOD. Oh my God, I'm a vampire.

"I'm so sensitive i got a sunburn while standing out in full moonlight for an hour. This may be vampirism, it may be because I'm a ginger, I dunno."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and they're completely serious-
"But since I go around with my teeth clenched
because I can smell blood, I'm leaning towards the first one."

"Maybe I am crazy, maybe I am just living a lie, but without blood [...] my life would suck.""
Pun unintentional?

"It fascinates me that vampires exist and yet people don't believe it."
Yes. I think we will let Pooh Bear take it from here:

Yes, Pooh. Quite.


*(Update: this song fixed it.)

11 comments:

Michelle said...

I put off leaving early for work just to read this.

am glad I did.

now must be off, guarding my neck, as it is a 15 minute trip to work and if even the vampires can last half an hour in the sun we ARE ALL DOOMED.

a cat of impossible colour said...

I think Edward probably has two penises, one for the normal things and one for pissing out soda. You know, among his other supernatural accomplishments.

Rachel said...

Ha ha oh yes! Love the vampire stuff. Also - I LOVE that song!

weirdinwellington said...

This post is hysterical and I, for one, enthusiastically approve of it.

On the record.

IT IS ALLY said...

Michelle - I'm sure work won't mind! As long as you don't try to directly pin your lateness on me.

Andrea - Yes! Undoubtedly. And four balls. Terrible nickname, worse than 'four-eyes'

Rachel - I KNOW. It's the best song ever. (Until I discover another one.)

wiw - Thank you. I am commenting to convey my approval of your comment. Also I like your blog very much LET'S BE FRIENDS

Tarryn said...

Sad thing is, I am actually wearing egg stained pajamas.

queenofthecastle said...

Tehe I *heart* that Pooh picture.
People actually believe they're vampires? I wonder how long you could go undercover in one of those forums before the vamps realised you were taking the piss. That would make an excellent 'Ross Kemp on...' series.
I saw one of those Wicked campers the other day (do you see them much over there? They are actual-van campervans, with usually-hideous but occasionally-funny slogans on them) that said 'I'm so emo, I got punched by a Carebear'. I laughed and got funny looks.

Juicebox said...

I was grumpy too, and now I've read your blog, I am giggling instead.

Also, the word verification word is 'mandly'. That should so be a real word.

IT IS ALLY said...

Tarryn - That's ok. You're not alone.

Brooke - OMG yes. I should be UNDERCOVER VAMP. One of them is from NZ, we could meet up but maybe I would be turned

Juicebox - Yay! 'Mandly' would be a great word. Sort of quasi-manly, perhaps?

Juicebox said...

Quasi-manly, but also passionately.

"He fondled himself mandly."

Troutie said...

I love you too much. Isn't vampirism shit you grow out of at 14? Thank God for freaks. Made my day. XXXXX