Lost Spider

Bad news, people: I have lost a spider. Fat body, thin legs, doesn't answer to anything because he is a spider, but he has lived on my ceiling for a few weeks and now he is gone. I'm not worried about his wellbeing, I'm worried because he has probably crawled into my bed and is now waiting until I am asleep to crawl into my hair, lay eggs (in this scenario he is a girl spider, is hard to tell the difference with spiders) and then climb into my ear and bite me to death while his children scuttle out of my hair.

(Childhood nightmare second only to the one about the giant blue robotic snake loose in the bazaar, which now that I think about it had rather heavy Aladdin influences.)

The spider and I have lived in uneasy harmony for a while - I don't fuck with his web and he doesn't come down and dance on my face while I'm sleeping - but that has come to an end. I think it's my fault because last night at 1.30 in the morning I was chasing mosquitoes round the ceiling with a copy of whichever Harry Potter book is the largest, and drove a mosquito right into the spider's web! At the time I assumed I was being helpful, but the spider has taken offence at my interfering ways and GONE.

So now there is a spider in my room, but I don't know where. Worst thing ever.

It's like when you see a spider on the wall and you turn away for a second to get a glass to put on him so you can take him outside*, and then when you turn back bam! he is gone. BUT HE'S STILL THERE SOMEWHERE.

Waiting.

Once I did this:
When what I should actually have done is this:Note the total absence of a visible spider in the second image.

So if anyone knows how to lure a spider back home, please let me know - so far all I can think of to do is catch an alluring lady spider but a) it's hard to tell the lady spiders from the man spiders, as previously mentioned and b) then there would be two.

*I don't like killing spiders because a) I am a kind-hearted person and b) we are all God's creatures and c) I firmly believe their children will know it was me and take their revenge by crawling in my ears when I am sleeping, and laying their eggs in my hair.

P.S. a very appreciative, if somewhat bemused, thanks to the Sunday Star-Times for making me their 'hot blogger' of 2011! I can now legitimately say "I'm so hot right now" at parties.