Sunday, January 16, 2011

Lost Spider

Bad news, people: I have lost a spider. Fat body, thin legs, doesn't answer to anything because he is a spider, but he has lived on my ceiling for a few weeks and now he is gone. I'm not worried about his wellbeing, I'm worried because he has probably crawled into my bed and is now waiting until I am asleep to crawl into my hair, lay eggs (in this scenario he is a girl spider, is hard to tell the difference with spiders) and then climb into my ear and bite me to death while his children scuttle out of my hair.

(Childhood nightmare second only to the one about the giant blue robotic snake loose in the bazaar, which now that I think about it had rather heavy Aladdin influences.)

The spider and I have lived in uneasy harmony for a while - I don't fuck with his web and he doesn't come down and dance on my face while I'm sleeping - but that has come to an end. I think it's my fault because last night at 1.30 in the morning I was chasing mosquitoes round the ceiling with a copy of whichever Harry Potter book is the largest, and drove a mosquito right into the spider's web! At the time I assumed I was being helpful, but the spider has taken offence at my interfering ways and GONE.

So now there is a spider in my room, but I don't know where. Worst thing ever.

It's like when you see a spider on the wall and you turn away for a second to get a glass to put on him so you can take him outside*, and then when you turn back bam! he is gone. BUT HE'S STILL THERE SOMEWHERE.

Waiting.

Once I did this:
When what I should actually have done is this:Note the total absence of a visible spider in the second image.

So if anyone knows how to lure a spider back home, please let me know - so far all I can think of to do is catch an alluring lady spider but a) it's hard to tell the lady spiders from the man spiders, as previously mentioned and b) then there would be two.


*I don't like killing spiders because a) I am a kind-hearted person and b) we are all God's creatures and c) I firmly believe their children will know it was me and take their revenge by crawling in my ears when I am sleeping, and laying their eggs in my hair.

P.S. a very appreciative, if somewhat bemused, thanks to the Sunday Star-Times for making me their 'hot blogger' of 2011! I can now legitimately say "I'm so hot right now" at parties.

13 comments:

Holly said...

Oh dear. That is not going to end well...

Hmm, maybe Spidey liked the mosquito so much he's decided to move and live outside permanently to increase his chances of catching more tasty snacks?

I hope so.

I like that thought much more than the one that he's so mad with you for disturbing his web that he's crawling over your hair right this second plotting his revenge.

IT IS ALLY said...

AHHH WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT??

He is definitely outside. Definitely.

My head is itchy.

Stephen Stratford said...

Congrats on being the SST's "hot blogger". I only got an honourable mention but I suppose at my age I should be grateful. Tepid, that's me.

Juicebox said...

He/she broke THE CODE (i.e. he will not move, and you won't kill). Spray your room liberally.

slommler said...

A missing spider is definitely not a good thing! I don't like killing spiders either...but I have done so on occasion!! And so far...no revenge. Ha!
I hope you find your pesky missing house guest soon. So you can rest well at night!
Hugs
SueAnn

Em said...

Congrats on your hotness. Read the list and was on the tip of my tongue to say 'I know her'. Sad, I know.

Hope the spider hasn't crawled into your band instrument. To wait.

Phil said...

Hey congrats!! You deserve it.
BTW - I had a pet spider that lived in the keyhole of the dunny. I used to feed it flies and it got fatter and fatter. And then it had LOTS of babies. And then it died.
Re: pants cannon - I also like trouser cough

JenBetweenDots said...

Ohmigod my biggest fear is a spider laying eggs in my arm. Sick. Well actually my biggest fear is a shark attack but whatever.

Anyway, I hope you find the missing spider! I'm sure he is outside right now, finding delicious mosquitoes to snack on

IT IS ALLY said...

Mr Stratford - Thank you! No-one is more surprised than me. Congrats to you on honorable mention! Aren't we doing well.

SueAnn - your lack of spider revenge is heartening! Hopefully mine is now toddling happily around in the wilderness of the backyard.

Em - Thank you! For congratulations. NO thank you on band instrument. Thank gooness I lock the case, or it would be a very real fear.

Phil - Thank you! My parents used to have a pet jumping spider in much the same vein - he lived in the bath(!) and was called George.

Jen - Ewwww! That would be awful. Luckily, is about as likely as my hair/eggs/ear fear. Fingers crossed you're right about the mosquitos.

The Mad Fat Girl said...

Wooooooo....get him a mosquito feast!! He shud come out from wherever he is hiding :p

stofnsara.com said...

But Ally: I always thought there were NO poisonous things in New Zealand. This does not affect the general icky-ness of having things crawl in your hair (worst feeling intheworld), but at least the spider poses no REAL threat, non? Or perhaps I greatly underestimate the poisonousness of Kiwi spiders?

chris.dadness said...

Hmm, didn't find the blog nominations over that the Sunday Star Times, but I did find this:
http://www.stuff.co.nz/waikato-times/news/4549464/Hamilton-girls-too-ugly-to-be-models

What a paper!

Salty Miss Jill said...

That's because you ARE the hot blogger of 2011!