Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Many Questions

Today there are many three questions. I don't know why, it's just what happened when I started writing this blog. Also I am a little drunk but I'm not sure if that had anything to do with content or is just, you know, one of those unrelated things. A red herring! Or perhaps, in this case, a pickled herring.

1. Would you go on Survivor?

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It would seem like such a good idea - "and I will have a strategy and make such an awesome shelter and, like, practice catching fish with spears for like three months beforehand-" but in reality I would hate it, and I would suck, and I would be voted out early, covered in mud, shame and mosquito bites, tribe bandanna stuffed into my ears to drown out the voices of my inevitably insufferable team-mates; left with only a tape of myself in a bikini and a lingering sense of challenge-related hatred (why couldn't I swim to the flag/complete the puzzle/throw the coconut directly into the smug face of the host?)

Side note: why does everyone on Survivor seem to turn up with no idea what they're doing? You'd think if you were going to have a shot at a million dollars you'd at least practice spearing eggplants in the bath or something beforehand.

2. Is fruit better if you put it in the fridge?

I asked this on Twitter yesterday and the trend was towards fruit being best warm. That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear "I condone you pissing off the rest of your family by filling the fridge with citrus." While I do not want to walk that pointless road of disappointment again (I was forced to re-evaluate all of my Twitter friends (do we call them friends?)) I kind of want to find other chilled fruit devotees.

What? I didn't say all the questions were interesting ones.

The next question is interesting though. It is a two-part question and it is about dinosaurs:

3a: What is your favourite dinosaur?

I did a quick poll and the three most popular dinosaur types among my friends are:

The Brontosaurus
The main reason offered for liking the Brontosaurus was, "It is large." Unsurprisingly, most of the people who favourited the Brontosaurus were men. Note: it was not the brightest, nor the most ferocious of dinosaurs but god damn it, it was LARGE. Hmmmm.

The T-Rex
Yeah yeah sure sure king of the dinosaurs RRRAAAGGGH but what about when it falls over? It was pointed out to me that with tiny T-Rex arms, once this dinosaur is down, it is down. What is he going to do? Push himself up with his tiny dinosaur arms? If I was a smaller dinosaur (it's a pretty big if) then I would spend my time foot-tripping T-Rexes. "Quick! Here he comes! Pull on the string!"

The Velociraptor
Why are these so trendy on Internet? I missed something major on this one.

My favourite dinosaur is the Triceratops, which leads us directly to question 3b:

3b:. Was the Triceratops a pansy?

Short answer: no he fucking wasn't.

Full answer: I was talking about dinosaurs with someone, let's call them Zippy, and I happened to mention that my favourite dinosaur was the Triceratops. This is not the exact conversation because I can't remember that well, but it's pretty close. Zippy - let me know if you don't feel this is accurate and I will make sympathetic noises but never actually get around to changing it.

Me: Blah blah, Triceratops OMG!!!11 Whee

Zippy: Yeah... but it was a herbivore. That was disappointing.

Me: I know! It looked like should be a carnivore, with the horn and everything. It was still a good dinosaur though. It was still kick-ass.

Zippy: Triceratops was a pansy.

Me: WHAT? Did you just call my favourite dinosaur a pansy? I can't believe you just called my favourite dinosaur a pansy.

Zippy: It totally was a pansy!

(Brief pause.)

Zippy: So I was talking to my friend who used to live in Africa, and he was saying about how rhinos are really timid, like, if you see a rhino in the wild you shouldn't run away because it's more scared of you-

Me: Wait, hold on, do you think Triceratops is a pansy because the only other animal you know with a horn on its face is a pansy?

Zippy: ...uh. Um, I guess, I guess I do.

Me: OK come on what about narwhals?! And unicorns? Unicorns weren't pansies.

Zippy: Unicorns were pansies. Look at them. Total pansies.

Me: Fuck off. Unicorns were HARDCORE. They would gore people with that horn. You tell me that if you were a unicorn and you were fighting a horse, you wouldn't wait until that horse reared up and then stab him right in the heart with your horn. You would. You totally would.

Zippy: Wait. Am I me, in this situation? Am I me, but a unicorn?

Me: Yes. Yes, you are you, but a unicorn. As opposed to a generic unicorn.

Zippy: I don't think I'd gore anything. I think I'd-

Me: No! No you wouldn't! I bet if you were a unicorn and you were in a fight you would be all, "Oh, no, don't mind me, I'll just be over here if you need me." You wouldn't gore anyone because you wouldn't want to get your horn dirty. "Oh," you would say, "I like totally just polished this." It is you who is the pansy, you are projecting your pansiness onto all these other perfectly legit animals.

Zippy: "...yes. You're probably right."

So while we digressed a bit I think we have established that the Triceratops is Not A Pansy.

But I'd still welcome your opinions.


a cat of impossible colour said...

The brontosaurus came about because someone stuck the head of one dinosaur on the body of another when they had dug up some bones. Now I think what we called a brontosaurus is actually an apatosaurus? I am too lazy to research this properly.


I refrigerate all my fruit.

Katie, Interrobangs Anonymous said...

Andrea's right - no such dinosaur as a Brontosaurus. In 1879, a paleontologist named Marsh thought he'd discovered a new species when he mistakenly put a Camarasaurus skull on top of an Apatosaurus body. Marsh was in the middle of what we call the "Bone Wars" with another paleo dude named Cope, and both were rushing to discover and name as many species as possible. Luckily, he was dead by the time people realized his mistake.

And along with the teeny, tiny arms, new studies indicate that T. rex was a scavenging wuss who actually cared for its young. What self-respecting blood-thirsty carnivore would do that?

Katie, Interrobangs Anonymous said...


IT IS ALLY said...



I didn't know that! The Triceratops had better be a real dinosaur. I can just imagine doing that - "Oh, I'll just put this head on here, it looks like it might go."

Thank you, guys! I learned something today.

Anonymous said...

Yes! Fruit in the fridge! So much more refreshing and satisfying.

Except bananas. Cold bananas are just weird.

I would suck at Survivor. I always wanted to go on Big Brother, except I don't think I'm interesting/combative enough to make good television. Also I would have issues with them filming me on the loo.

Best dinosaur = ankylosaurus. It has armour consisting of knobs (hehe) and plates of bone, and a big fuck-off tail club. TAIL CLUB. It's like an evolved pokemon, only real.

Josh said...

I think the velociraptor owes its interweb trendyness to XKCD's Randall Munroe's irrational fear of them:

Em said...

I am all for fruit in the fridge - except bananas. Warm fruit is just ewwwww.

My favourite dinosaur is the T-Rex because it is the only one I can spell. Maybe your dinosaur is just a bit metrosexual...

Anonymous said...

All dinosaurs suck because they used to step on Lichens, which are the world's coolest plants.

chris.dadness said...

What? First Pluto's not a planet, now Brontosaurus doesn't exist.. What next, science?

I 2nd the nomination for ankylosaurus. What's the first rule of tail club?

Anonymous said...

But that's why the Brontosaurus is so cool. Because it is MADE OUT OF two other dinosaurs.

It is the Voltron of dinosaurs.

slommler said...

He definitely is not a pansy! And a rhino is not a pansy either. If he catches wind of you he will run you down for sure. That is not the act of a pansy!!!!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE the Triceratops! That dino doesn't get nearly enough affection. I also like the Pachycephalosaurus - built-in helmet, and their ridiculously domed/armored skulls make them look like geniuses.

Room-temperature fruit repulses me for the most part. And I would last approximately twelve seconds on Survivor, or however long it would take to demonstrate that I can't start a fire. (Either that, or I would lose my shit early and try to eat another contestant. Not good news no matter how you slice it.)

Anyway, just wanted to de-lurk to approve of your drawing attention to the Triceratops.

- Kate

Holly said...

I agree with Brooke. Her dinosaur is the most EPIC. How can you go wrong when you have "a big fuck-off tail club"!?

Matt said...

"let me know if you don't feel this is accurate and I will make sympathetic noises but never actually get around to changing it."


You call your Twitter friends tweeple, Ally !!

The Mad Fat Girl said...

I cannot imagine unicorns goring regular horses...hahhahahaa...aren't they supposed to be so pure that drinking their blood can keep you alive even if you are only made of smoke or something?

Meh. too much Potter mania. Loved the post tho...and I cant believe Brontosauruses never existed :(

Jo-Ann said...

At the risk of being hated by you for ever and ever...The Triceratops has been having its own scandal too may not have existed..

Also cold fruit makes my teeth ache (another reason to hate me)

And I grew up on a crappy no electricity/running water/flushing toilet farm beyond the black stump so I would totally rock at Survivor...for about 10 minutes until they voted me off for being a smart arse, know it all who is totally prepared to eat bugs for a million big ones!