So today at work I was in the bathroom washing my hands and thinking about a blog I read (it's right here) in which Steam Me Up, Kid euphemised farting as "firing the pants cannon," which because I am secretly really immature I found to be the funniest thing ever, and I was imagining myself saying, "Ladies don't fart. Ladies fire the pants cannon" and then I got the giggles which is terrible because if you leave the bathroom giggling to yourself everyone thinks you are some kind of a pervert.
Also it turns out that we can now add 'firing the pants cannon' to the list of things my boss doesn't really care to learn about, along with 'the paper crane I made out of our new ratecard' and 'a pigeon shat on me' and 'I had a dream in which I hooked up with what's-his-face from editorial and he was crap and then months later someone else in the department had the same dream and he was crap in theirs too and now I'm tempted to sleep with him just to find out.'
Why does my boss not care to learn about these things? They are so interesting!
However, he doesn't have to put up with it for much longer because in two weeks I am leaving! I resigned ages ago (well, in December) but have lingered and mucked about and generally Not Gone, and now the final day of my employment is January 28. And then on January 29 I will post in-house secrets on every internet platform avai- just kidding, boss! No I won't. Because I don't know any, I am not important enough. You learn these things when you are important enough, and also gain other powers, as evidenced by this recent statement from on high: "I'm management. Silver bullets fall out of my arse." Looked under the desk to check but there weren't any there.
No idea what I'm doing next but something will come up - I know that leaving a job before you have another job is reckless* and pigheaded and foolhardy and many other old-timey words but I really wanted to leave and I am kind of impatient and don't really have good impulse control and, essentially, just went 'fuck it'. There's always temping.
Perhaps you would like to hire me? I am kind of impatient and don't really have good impulse control, but I can unjam a printer and am excellent office eye candy.
(In my opinion. Which is the opinion of someone who thought they got whistled at this morning but in reality it was a car alarm, so make of that what you will.)
*I know this because people keep telling me