Monday, March 14, 2011

Arse-Napkins and Lemurs*

*this is a fantastic title.

I was reading this post yesterday and learned a startling thing! Did you know that in some churches in the States they have little napkins that they drape over your bum when you kneel at the altar? So God doesn't have to see your crack?

(I assume that is why, and it makes sense. Would you want to look down at your house (on Google Street View) and see rank upon rank of bum cleavage and hiked-up g-strings in your backyard? No? Well, neither would God.)

I think this is fantastic! It could only be bettered if the arsenapkins were distributed by lemurs which, in my head, they totally are.

My child, are you ready to receive the b- ahh! Lemur! Arse napkin, stat*!

Luckily the arse napkin lemur was poised for action.

Went to the supermarket earlier to stock up on beer & Le Snaks (in case of another earthquake - we have water and a radio and other essential but unexciting items, but somehow it is only ever me who thinks to bring the beer and snacks) - and on my way home walked past two small girls pushing scooters at each other at high speed, waving sticks, and yelling "PI
ƑAAAAATAAAA" as some sort of arcane battle cry. Fantastic.

When I was little, the closest
my sister and I got to a battle cry was when we played the imaginatively named 'The Horse Game,' in which we galloped up and down the driveway on horses, whooping as we went. The horses were, of course, imaginary.

We had many, many horse races, and because I was older I tended to win. This made my sister bitter and jealous and prone to saying things like, "Oh no! Look! Russia has broken her leg." (My horses were named after countries
. Russia was a Palomino.)

Somehow The Horse Game always slid downhill from there until the inevitable but tragic "Oh no, your stable burnt down, all your horses are dead."


Here are some other good things to read on the Internet today:

  • maybe you already know about Party Cat
  • but you probably don't know about Doctor Cat
  • or this project where the subway has been set to music, it is very soothing to listen to
  • or my other blog where I wrote about the most ridiculous lyrics in the current Top 40

Also a photo of me because a) some of you are new here and might not know what I look like and I like to know what people look like when I read their blogs, and b) more importantly, someone said to me the other day, "I always imagine you in your onesie" and that's really not how I want people to imagine me all the time.

Fur coat > onesie?

*Why wouldn't a priest say 'stat'?


PurpleLily said...

Haha that's quite funny as I also always imagine you in your onsie:)

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

I always imagine you digging around in a giant pile of clothes, strugling to extract a pair of tights,which after much huffing and puffing the pile releases sending you stumbling backward.

You then siff said tights and put on your pensive face.

You then spy a second pair under the bed and grab those, gleefully.

However these are quickly dropped after the siff test and you return to the original pair and spray them with perfume (or dead roses).

you scramble into them because you are late, jummping up a down to get them over your bum.

chris.dadness said...

Arse Napkin Lemur. Charlie Foxtrot Golf.

Anna said...

I AM DELIGHTED. Thanks for the picture! Both of the lemur and of your lovely self. I'll get you an arse-napkin for your birthday!

Rolling Off The Edge... Together said...

You mean beer is not a part of essential earthquake supplies?!Huh. Who knew!?

cerebral e said...

Ooh, you look pretty. I always imagined you looking more boganish.

Priests can say stat because nobody in the medical profession says it.

My bestie Dave and his big sis used to play a game (when they were kids in the 80s) where they'd put on their stack hats (Stak Hats?) and run at each other head-on. They were amazed, years later, to learn that this wasn't a game played by all siblings.

a cat of impossible colour said...

I too imagined you more BOGANISH.

allison, a flea circus said...

fur coat OVER a onesie = best.

elpemmy said...

You're really hot :P and I know very few people who can pull off a fur coat.
(also you're hilarious. First time commenter, but I think you're badass)

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

You have now topped your infamously hilarious Valentine's post with that lemur bit. Food was spit when reading it. I am still finding bits of rice on my desk. And I thank you for it.

Ginny said...

I want to play PIƑAAAAATAAAA!

That is a bad ass coat!

IT IS ALLY said...

Lily - Haha! Apparently it's not uncommon

Kat - Yes. But then, you have lived with me.

Chris - I wrote my own phonetic alphabet once. Highlight was N for Nutsack. Good band name.

Anna - Can you actually get me one? That would be delightful!

Rolling - EVERYONE should know, and update their survival kit accordingly.

cE - That sounds suspiciously like 'Sumo,' legendary childhood game that involves running at each other in sleeping bags and shouting things that sound Oriental. You imagined I was a bogan! :O

Andrea - Not as BOGANISH as YOU ARE.

Allison - ...and that is what I will do for my next photoshoot.

elpemmy - Thank you! Blush.

EnviroGirl - Hahaha! I'm glad. Sorry about your desk.

Ginny - I imagine it would be a pretty fun game

chris.dadness said...

"Highlight was N for Nutsack"

I assume the whole alphabet was genitals?