Sunday, May 22, 2011

Afternoon Pregnancy

Yesterday I was killing time before I caught up with some friends by window-shopping in a rather posh area (sample conversation: saleswoman says, "If you want really comfortable boots, you should try Diane von Furstenburg, these are just lovely!" I try very hard to look like someone who doesn't buy most of their shoes for under $100) and, txting and listening to music and generally not paying attention, I wandered into a nice shop.

All the clothes seemed a little bit odd. Nice, but weirdly cut. I was holding a top up against myself in the mirror and trying to figure out what was wrong with it when the saleslady came over.

It was at the exact moment I realised why everything looked so weird that she asked perkily, "So how far along are you?"

I had gone into a maternity shop by accident. Oh God.

There were any number of reasonable-ish things I could have said (obviously "I wasn't paying attention and somehow failed to notice this was a maternity store" wasn't an option).

I could've said my sister was pregnant and I was looking for a gift.

I could've said I was doing costume research for a play where the lead character is pregnant. (Pretentious, but acceptable.)

I could even have said I wasn't pregnant, just getting a bit fat and really liked the maternity style. It would have been ridiculous but at least the saleslady would have retreated and I could've slunk out.

But no. I panicked and said, "15 weeks!" And suddenly I was pregnant.

Me, apparently.

Then, of course, we had to have a conversation about morning sickness - "More like all day sickness, am I right?" - and whether or not we're going to find out the sex of the baby.

I'm sure you'll all be pleased to know that actually, we're going to keep it as a surprise! My partner wanted to find out (where did this random detail come from?) but I put my foot down because, well, it's more exciting to not know, isn't it?

I was babbling. It's amazing that I didn't end up buying anything.

She even asked if it was my first child and oh my goodness, yes it was! Cue proud but nervous expectant mother smile. Of course it's my first child DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE CHILDREN TO YOU, LADY?

(Apparently the answer to that is 'yes' - I was hanging out with a friend who has a child the other day, and it's amazing how many people assume that you are mother of said child and frown at you/smile indulgently just because the child has taken all the sugar packets off all the other tables in the cafes and brought them to you for inspection. "Oh sorry, we're starting him early on a life of crime.")

And then when I left I turned around and looked at the window and it was full of pregnant mannequins which I had somehow TOTALLY managed to avoid seeing.

How embarrassing.


Awesomeness in the Flesh said...

I totally do that all the time when I get confronted by salespeople. I get nervous and make up stories. But this has got to be one of the best stories I've ever heard haha.

Holly said...

OMG. That's priceless. :D

Laurie Fleming said...

What are the odds that the saleswoman went home and said, "I had another one of those women who pretended to be pregnant because she was so embarrassed! It's hard not to laugh…"

Johi said...

Well, let me say Congratulations! lol! I've worn tops before that sort of make me look pregnant and have noticed people's eyes darting to my midsection. I feel like yelling "I'm just bloated! GO away!"

IT IS ALLY said...

Awesomeness - Me too! And taxi drivers. I seem to be constantly exaggerating life details to taxi drivers.

Holly - SO embarrassing. But also hilarious.

Laurie - Hahaha! I hope so. They must get a few... or people who just feel like pretending for the afternoon.

Johi - Hahaha! I avoid empire line styles for exactly that reason. And hate how whenever you feel nauseous the first question is always "you're not pregnant, are you?" NO I JUST ATE TOO FAST AGAIN

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

That's hilarious, did you discus names.Best story I've heard all week

Juli said...

Hilarious. This post made me LOL. I bet you're not even showing.

Dad said...

It's a portent, A portent I tell you ... stop doing it, right now!

IT IS ALLY said...

Kat - no, no names. Thank goodness. "I will call him LEONARDO because that was my favourite turtle" would've fitted in with the rest of what I was saying

Juli - Not a hint! Although I was wearing a loose-fitting top...

Dad - Ahhh! Not funny! You got lotsa grandkids already. Kate's your next best bet

chris.dadness said...

Well if the clothes all look so nice, why not just buy some and stick a pillow up em?

tennysoneehemingway said...

If she'd asked you for names, what would they have been?

Halley said...

It makes such a great story though. Pretty fast thinking. I would have pretended to not speak english and then dashed out of there.

high five for your fast thinking!

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kwilliams said...

This is hilarious! Totally something I would do!

Anonymous said...

UK high street stores all have maternity sections now and I ALWAYS inspect all of the clothes in there before realising everyone is looking at me weirdly. I just don't see the tiny 'Maternity' signs on the rails, sorry guys!!

Really funny story :)