*Father, this is not a post for you. Also anyone who found the Fleshlight post a bit much -this is probably not a post for you either. I promise to post about something polite next time.
Well, a friend and I were talking about how sometimes people whinge about sex.
By people we meant 'men' because usually it is men that we do sex with.
The friend and I discovered that we had a lot of sex whinges in common! And I wanted to share these and see if you have come across them too.
Our point is that there's a difference between doing something out of the ordinary because it's exciting at the time and fun for everyone, and doing something out of the ordinary because one of you is begging like a small child who has just heard the Mr Whippy truck come round the corner.
Dear everyone: begging is not sexy.
Here are the top ten Sex Whinges.
1. Period sex
This is a weird one because for some reason it's assumed that by angling for sex during 'that time of the month' the dude is doing the lady a massive favour.
"Oh," he will say, "it's ok! I don't mind."
That's great that you don't mind! Because I am feeling bloated and emotional and have awful cramps, and am TOTALLY in the mood.
Luckily, there are always two other options once period sex has been ruled out:
I don't really see the obsession with this - if I had a penis, I would not want to put it in anyone's bottom. I don't think.
Someone said it is about 'taboo' but if you want 'taboo' then go and have a wank in the Botanic Gardens because that doesn't affect anyone else's happiness, unless you are stumbled upon by a school group.
However, if you feel you really must give Admiral Browning the standing salute, I'm going to clarify what I think the general rule is.
Ask once, ask politely, and if the answer is no then move on.
There are plenty of other valuable places to put your penis.
Not the hydrangeas.
3. Obligatory BJ
Once going up the down stairs is off the table, this is the fallback time-of-the-month whinge, and also the classiest sex whinge of them all.
It's hardly ever fully vocalised, just a "Could you..." followed by a vague hand gesture crotchwards.
If you're dating a witty type, you might be lucky enough to get the immortal line, "While you're down there..." Except you probably aren't down there, probably you are just watching TV or, more likely, down the road at the taxi stand.
Might as well just get a sign saying, MOUTHS ON PENISES PLEASE LADIES.
All I have to say about this is that the next time someone says, "Bring your toys! I want to see your toys!" I'm going to show up nude with a carton of stuffed rabbits.
It is my firm belief that if someone wants to tell you their fantasies, they will do so without being badgered incessantly about it.
"Tell me! Tell me! Why won't you tell me? Don't you trust me?"
I'm always caught between shouting, "FUCK OFFFFFF", and making up something completely bizarre ("Well, honey, my fantasy involves an entire orchestra and their instruments").
Have never gone for the bizarre because it could backfire horribly and there you are, lover tenderly whacking his soft penis against your feet, and you have just said that's your favourite thing EVER and are trying not to giggle.
6. Shave You
For some reason the better-left-unspoken "I want to shave you. Can I shave you?" reminds me of Ron Burgundy shouting, "I want to be on you!" Which makes it an automatic no.
I was amazed that this is a thing men want to do. Really? You get to shave yourself every day! Which reminds me - if you cut yourself shaving twice this morning what makes you think I'm going to let you anywhere near any part of me with a razor?
(I would like to add here that I do not sport a Bornean jungle, but am also not bald as a billiard ball because I'm actually ok with my nether regions not looking like an aerial view of Dr Phil.)
Secondly, I am not a topiary and/or craft project. While I would very much like to one day have a Batman-call-sign-shaped landing strip it is a job best left to the professionals.
7. Lights On
Leaving the light on is fine.
Demanding to turn the lights on when moving into a more flattering position for oneself is not as fine.
Oh, you don't want the light on when all you can see is your manboobs, but now that we've moved around we better get this shit illuminated? No! Go away! Get your penis out of there!
8. Talk Dirty To Me!
I think talking dirty should be a) spontaneous and b) handled carefully because it can so easily go so wrong (it is hard to turn a cry of "Oh, Roberto!" into a cry of "Oh, Fernando!" without someone catching on),
If you start asking for the dirty talk you're probably going to get a mildly awkward talking-parrot turn or, if you are sleeping with me, a robot voice and then a fit of giggles.
Which, it turns out, some people are actually into.
"Darling, let's invite one of your friends round for dinner!"
"Darling, let's invite one of your friends out to the theatre!"
"Darling, let's invite one of your friends to join us in the sack!"
At least one of those things is going to lead to a horribly awkward social situation.
No threesomes with friends! It's a RULE.
Also, threesomes are kind of like hard drugs: no means no, stop asking every time you see a movie that inspires you.
10. The Photo Whinge
I appreciate that you would like to cherish this moment forever, especially when it is late and night and you are alone.
But begging for naked photos is not very sophisticated. Take a "Thought Photo." Or, if you must, draw a sketch.
Don't be all "wah wah I won't show anyone, not even my best mate!"
Last week you told me that your best mate showed you a photo of his fiancee naked.
Sexy readers, have you come across these?
Gentlemen readers, are there lady sex whinges to avoid?
Your thoughts, please.
Not you, Dad.