Eyepatches and a PLANT FIGHT*

*it's one of those blog posts, yes.

Did you guys know why pirates wore eyepatches? Because I totally do.
Know why. Not wear an eyepatch.

According to Wikipedia (New word: 'Wikipediapparently') it's so they could adjust quickly to the darkness below deck - otherwise when there was an attack, everyone would run inside to launch the cannon, go temporarily blind, and fall hilariously out of the, um, things the cannon pokes out of. Cannonholes.

Military pilots used to wear them too, so when they were flying over a city at night they had one eye for looking out the window and one for reading the instruments. Also so if there was some sort of laser attack (?) they would only be blinded in one eye.

I tested this theory and it totally works (for going to the bathroom in the middle of the night).

You squidge one eye closed before you turn the bathroom light on, keep it closed while you're in there (caution: changes your depth perception a bit so be careful not to fall off the seat) then open the eye again when the light's off and you're back in the lounge, and you can SEE!

You'll never hit your toe on the coffee table again.

ALLY MULLORD: MIDNIGHT BATHROOM PIRATE.


Now, time for a story about when I went mental for five minutes and fought a plant.

I was out for a drive in the country with a friend recently when the friend pulled into a little dirt side road to take a phone call.

The phone call was of a sensitive nature and so I decided to leave the car and go for a little walk to give said friend some space. The phone call was also with someone who really irritates me and I'm not a bad-tempered person, but ha ha ha yes I am, and so as I trotted away from the car and up this little dirt road, I was somewhere between angry and kitten-skinning furious.

(EDIT: flatmate just said that sentence "makes you sound like a douche". The situation is more complicated than I have laid out here! I am not a douche.)

We were going to a winery for lunch, so there I was out in Bumfuck, Cheviot* walking down this dirt road in my Very Expensive Jacket

This one, but without the dog

sheer stockings, and immensely high heeled, chain-covered black suede boots which kept sinking into the mud

These, but higher heel and more chains.

and there was no-one around except a paddock of sheep and the shouts of someone mustering in the distance.

When I rounded the corner and saw an annoying-looking plant, for some reason I completely lost my shit. In my defence I was immensely sleep-deprived, very angry, and looked ridiculous.

Trigger warning, apparently

I thought, "You, plant, are stupid-looking".

I kicked the plant. It tore a hole in my stockings.

That plant bastard. A red mist descended.

I roared the F word, the sheep bolted in the other direction and, flailing my arms about like a demented windmill, I proceeded to make the plant sorry it had ever sprouted.

The plant, in retaliation, dropped little fluffy white plant-bits all over me and they stuck to my hair-wax, which was just a bridge too far, and so I pulled off bits of the plant and, I'm ashamed to say, whacked it and shouted, "Stop hitting yourself!" and laughed like a madwoman, which at this point apparently I totally was.

When my friend drove up the road to pick me up - stockings ripped, shoes covered in mud, nonchalantly waving a stick about and surrounded by bits of vanquished plant - he looked terrified.

"Don't worry!" I said. "I kicked the shit out of a plant, and now I feel better."

And we went to the winery and had a very nice lunch indeed.

The end.

p.s. I took off my stockings and threw them out the window which is Littering, but as friend pointed out, farmers are resourceful folk and probably right now those stockings are being used to tie little trees to stakes or something.

p.p.s. if you are the farmer, I'm sorry about your plant, and also about scaring your sheep. I hope the useful stockings make up for it.


*I was looking up 'Bumfuck Egypt' to make sure this means what I think it means and accidentally found myself staring at the Wikipedia entry on 'Anal Sex' in a packed cafe. Turns out you REALLY need to type in the 'Egypt' part before you hit the Search button.