Saturday, June 04, 2011

Eyepatches and a PLANT FIGHT*

*it's one of those blog posts, yes.

Did you guys know why pirates wore eyepatches? Because I totally do.
Know why. Not wear an eyepatch.

According to Wikipedia (New word: 'Wikipediapparently') it's so they could adjust quickly to the darkness below deck - otherwise when there was an attack, everyone would run inside to launch the cannon, go temporarily blind, and fall hilariously out of the, um, things the cannon pokes out of. Cannonholes.

Military pilots used to wear them too, so when they were flying over a city at night they had one eye for looking out the window and one for reading the instruments. Also so if there was some sort of laser attack (?) they would only be blinded in one eye.

I tested this theory and it totally works (for going to the bathroom in the middle of the night).

You squidge one eye closed before you turn the bathroom light on, keep it closed while you're in there (caution: changes your depth perception a bit so be careful not to fall off the seat) then open the eye again when the light's off and you're back in the lounge, and you can SEE!

You'll never hit your toe on the coffee table again.


Now, time for a story about when I went mental for five minutes and fought a plant.

I was out for a drive in the country with a friend recently when the friend pulled into a little dirt side road to take a phone call.

The phone call was of a sensitive nature and so I decided to leave the car and go for a little walk to give said friend some space. The phone call was also with someone who really irritates me and I'm not a bad-tempered person, but ha ha ha yes I am, and so as I trotted away from the car and up this little dirt road, I was somewhere between angry and kitten-skinning furious.

(EDIT: flatmate just said that sentence "makes you sound like a douche". The situation is more complicated than I have laid out here! I am not a douche.)

We were going to a winery for lunch, so there I was out in Bumfuck, Cheviot* walking down this dirt road in my Very Expensive Jacket

This one, but without the dog

sheer stockings, and immensely high heeled, chain-covered black suede boots which kept sinking into the mud
These, but higher heel and more chains.

and there was no-one around except a paddock of sheep and the shouts of someone mustering in the distance.

When I rounded the corner and saw an annoying-looking plant, for some reason I completely lost my shit. In my defence I was immensely sleep-deprived, very angry, and looked ridiculous.

Trigger warning, apparently

I thought, "You, plant, are stupid-looking".

I kicked the plant. It tore a hole in my stockings.

That plant bastard.
A red mist descended.

I roared the F word, the sheep bolted in the other direction and, flailing my arms about like a demented windmill, I proceeded to make the plant sorry it had ever sprouted.

The plant, in retaliation, dropped little fluffy white plant-bits all over me and they stuck to my hair-wax, which was just a bridge too far, and so I pulled off bits of the plant and, I'm ashamed to say, whacked it and shouted, "Stop hitting yourself!" and laughed like a madwoman, which at this point apparently I totally was.

When my friend drove up the road to pick me up - stockings ripped, shoes covered in mud, nonchalantly waving a stick about and surrounded by bits of vanquished plant - he looked terrified.

"Don't worry!" I said. "I kicked the shit out of a plant, and now I feel better."

And we went to the winery and had a very nice lunch indeed.

The end.

p.s. I took off my stockings and threw them out the window which is Littering, but as friend pointed out, farmers are resourceful folk and probably right now those stockings are being used to tie little trees to stakes or something.

p.p.s. if you are the farmer, I'm sorry about your plant, and also about scaring your sheep. I hope the useful stockings make up for it.

*I was looking up 'Bumfuck Egypt' to make sure this means what I think it means and accidentally found myself staring at the Wikipedia entry on 'Anal Sex' in a packed cafe. Turns out you REALLY need to type in the 'Egypt' part before you hit the Search button.


Kim R said...

LOVE IT!Those feathery-plant-tops are worth weight in gold. Which wouldn't be much gold as they're so light. But still. I used to have one hidden beside bed. I have hubby who is like angry-bear-woken-from-hibernation if woken at night. So whenever he snored so much I wanted to kill him (seriously), I'd tickle his face with big feathery-thing, he'd swat his face, mutter about spiders & leap out of bed. Snoring stopped. Worked a treat. Spoiled it by boasting to his family about how much I laugh-shook-in-dark after doing it.

Johi said...

I love you.
That is all.

slommler said...

Ha!! I will remember the lessons you have shared with me this day!
You have enriched my life immensely!
Thank you

Anonymous said...

DEAR GOD, the bathroom pirate story might be the most useful piece of blogging EVER.

Juli said...

Hey, I have those same boots. Without the chains or the high high heels. But those same boots.

Jade Carver said...

Mind. Blown!

Chanel said...

So, I definitely did not know why pirates wore eyepatches. I guess I always assumed they just got into fights and constantly managed to injure just one eye? Thank you for enlightening me in the most amusing way possible. (I would be lying if I said I wasn't going to try the bathroom pirate eyepatch technique tonight.)

IT IS ALLY said...

Kim - That is the most awesome story of dealing with snoring that I've ever heard.

Johi - I love you BACK. You had a bear at your house. Unrelated.

SueAnn - I live to serve, madame :)

Raz - I hope you've tried it by now. It TOTALLY works.

Juli - I approve of your taste in boots. Am starting to need new winter boots. Trying not to buy 15 pairs

Jade - On the pirates? The plant fight? Both? It's both, isn't it.

Chanel - You're welcome. I hope you enjoy the moment of "Holy shit it actually works" as much as I did

Professor Chaos said...

I am definitely going to have to try the eyepatch thing. Even if it doesn't work, I'm gonna look totally badass in an eyepatch!