Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Subliminal Trumpet

The other day I was sitting on the Google and looked up 'trumpet album cover', mainly because I wanted to find something like this.

There is a small and socially unacceptable part of me that really wishes a) this was a real album and b) I owned it, because there are few things more romantic than standing in the lounge in your nicest lingerie, ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ poised to go on the stereo, arms in third position, waiting for your boyfriend to come home from work.

Lamentably I didn't find any air trumpet but I did find this:

Yes! It is a CD that teaches you how to play the trumpet without actually requiring you to play the trumpet.

Or, as the website puts it: "Our subliminal mp3 album develops, and reprograms the areas of your brain responsible for learning to play the trumpet."

Excusing their erroneous comma, it would seem that this is indeed a miracle. Just in case you think it is not a miracle and is in fact bunkum, they assure you it is not:

"Many other “Subliminal Learn How to Play The Trumpet” mp3s are merely subliminal aids to increase MOTIVATION. They do not directly improve your capability to learn the trumpet."

But this one DOES.

It works (apparently) by repeating soothing phrases into your subconscious mind, at a frequency the human ear is unable to pick up. Presumably if you play this in the lounge, your dog will suddenly become very good at the trumpet.

The messages go deep into the areas of the brain which controls 'goodness at playing the trumpet'. How they isolated these areas is anyone's guess.

All you, the prospective trumpeter, hear is "soothing ocean sounds" (I would rather hear air trombone anthems, if we're being honest) but here are some of the things your trumpet-brain-areas hear:

  • I practice regularly

  • I will learn the trumpet

  • Playing the trumpet is easy

  • Playing the trumpet is fun
"I WILL learn the trumpet. I WILL learn the trumpet."

Once I'd settled down from the excitement of subliminal trumpet messaging I had a poke around the rest of the site and it gets better, because once you have become a trumpet god you can also become telepathic. Subliminally.

"Are you becoming skeptical about your psychic potential?" the site asks. Well, not any MORE!

If telepathy isn't your thing, there are also CDs to control your World of Warcraft addiction ("I value my social life") or, if it is a special occasion like your wife's birthday, you can buy her the slightly creepy Oral Sex one, including messages like "I always satisfy my partner through oral sex". In fact, because she can't hear the messages you could just buy a $5 Ocean Sounds CD from the Warehouse and swap the cases! Genius.

If it's YOUR birthday, you can buy yourself the slightly creepy Seducing Women one ("Seducing women is my right" and "I am the best choice that any woman could make".)

Personally I'm going to combine my favourite three into one powerful mp3 - the trumpet, the telepathy and, of course, my personal favourite...

"My breasts are pert and firm. My breasts are pert and firm. I enjoy playing the trumpet. I have psychic potential. My breasts are pert and firm."


cerebral e said...

I bet my parents wish they had that trumpet CD when I was kid, so they wouldn't have to listening to me practising my trumpet.

tennysoneehemingway said...

I really want that CD now. And yes, MY breats are pert and firm too.

tennysoneehemingway said...

My breats? What the hell are breats? I think I meant 'breasts.'

Phil said...

Subliminal Drum Practice would be a big hit with the neighbours too