Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Office Pick-Up Lines

Had Management Dilemma earlier in the week when I found out from a colleague that one of the other sales managers had banned 'Shoot, Shag or Marry' from office conversation.  Felt like I should also ban this in the spirit of professionalism, not that we play it much anyway because we are all so busy being remarkably productive, but couldn't bring myself to do it because of the lost entertainment potential.

Later I asked my friend-and-colleague Picnic why Other Manager had banned it in the first place and she said, "Rupert keeps putting Manager into the list.  When he's right there."  It's good to see the spirit of professionalism is alive and well.

I also got caught checking out someone's butt while they were at the photocopier but that is a Management Dilemma for another day.

shit son are you toner 'cause I need to order some of that

Was talking to Picnic about accidentally checking people out in the office and it occurred to us that there is a massive untapped market for office-related pickup lines and why has no-one made a thing out of this yet.  Evidently there should be some sort of Office Flirting Handbook written by someone smooth like me and containing immortal, classy, meeting-appropriate lines.

You would need categories, because there's a lot of ground between "hey girl do you use Office Suite because I notice you Excel" and "DANG SHORTY IS YOU MY DEALFLOW BECAUSE I GOTTA DO YOU EVERY DAY."

DANG

So, in yet another ill-advised attempt to avoid the crashing inevitability of my still-incomplete spreadsheet, allow me to present a short guide to Office Pick-Up Lines, scaled for situational appropriateness.  You are welcome to use these as often as you like but please be aware that if you get taken to HR it is not my fault.

Preface: General Advice

Picnic suggested that I include a General Advice section, covering off topics like "how to act normally when you have had a remarkably vivid and inappropriate dream about a coworker," and "how to act even more normally when you have had a remarkably vivid and inappropriate sexual encounter with a coworker," but I have left this section out, as obviously there is no way to act normally in either of those situations.  All you can really do is avoid them like the dickens and pray that they resign.

Office Pickup Lines, Level 1:  Photocopier and/or Lift Conversation
Like a fine wine on a gentle summer's afternoon, these pick-up lines show that you are interested, but do not show that your nipples are visibly hard.  Your nipples will do that on their own behalf.  Also, you should wear thicker shirts.

These are all pretty vanilla and so I haven't included any examples; I trust you to come up with your own.  Light puns around common office equipment work well-

DANG SHORTY IS YOU PAPER 'CAUSE I'D HAVE A4-SOME

I'm sorry about what the printer said.  That printer is filth.  I meant more along the lines of "hey can I borrow a whiteboard eraser 'cause I want to wipe out this distance between us."

Also if someone says "is this in the agenda?" you can look at them meaningfully and say, "You can put it in."  Feel free to use other ambiguous phrases, like "We need to enter that hard data into the backend."

Also if there is a calculator required, you can discreetly enter '80085' and then show it to the colleague of your affection and point subtly to your chest.  Men, you can also enter '80085' but instead of pointing anywhere you just make an enquiring sort of a face and a subtle thrusting motion.

Level 2:  In A Meeting
As almost everyone in a meeting is bored at almost any given time, this gives you considerably more leeway for off-colour remarks.  Nothing spices up a meeting like an off-colour remark!

Again, you can use nice business analogies, leading in with the serious then closing it out with the seriously sexy, remembering that subtlety is best left behind in Level 1, and that all of these will work at least 25% better if you follow them up with a wink:

  • "I hope there's a solid Marketing budget, cause you'd benefit from deep penetration."
  • "Are you tracking above target this month? Cause your figure looks fiiiine"
  • "Let's take this from a soft launch to a firm, full-thrust offer."
  • "Did someone order stationery?  I've got a big package."   


A BIG PACKAGE OF C&B THAT'S WHAT

Honestly, printer.  Settle down.

Level 3:  Friday Drinks
At this point at least one of you is drunk enough that you have stopped caring about how awkward it's going to be on Monday.  These are in caps because they cannot possibly be delivered in your inside voice.

  • LET'S HAVE A MEETING ABOUT BUSINESS ANALYSIS, BABY YOU PUT THE SIN IN BUSINESS AND ALSO HOPEFULLY THE ANAL IN ANALYSIS HOW ABOUT IT I'LL BOOK THE BOARDROOM FOR LATER
  • DID SOMEONE SAY EBIT-DA 'CAUSE I'LL HAVE E-BIT OF DAT
  • DOES IT VIOLATE THE DRESS CODE IF I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS
  • YOU CAN CALL ME PRINTER-5035 CAUSE I'VE BEEN SCANNING YOU ALL DAY
  • YOU HAVE A MAGNIFICENT BUSINESS STRATEGY WHAT SAY WE BONE

The last one is the best because everyone knows only classy ladies use 'bone' as a verb.

I shall endeavour to use as many of these as possible this week and report back.



2 comments:

Deepika Olive said...

Surprises are always too much for them to take, which is why ask yourself whether the person you are planning to surprise is okay with it. It won’t do you any good if you printed awesome birthday invitation cards and planned everything but the person did not appreciate your efforts – worse – you got rebuked for the pains you took.

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