Sunday, March 22, 2015

...wasps and boinking*

*when I started this post that is not what I expected it to be about.

Hello everyone!  Not much to report except I just put on ridiculous glittery blue nail polish and now I'm going to have to wear black tomorrow to avoid clashing with myself.  (It'll be good though.  Here is a short summary of me tomorrow: Serious business, serious business, serious business, JAZZ HANDS.  I wonder if I have to go to any meetings.  I certainly hope so).

this quarterly report is FABULOUS

I have checked my calendar and I do have to go to a meeting tomorrow!  In fact I have to go to two!  One is a client meeting that I'm looking forward to (I like the client) and the other is the weekly Events meeting.  This is a meeting where we sit down and go "Ok, we are two days behind deadline for the Horse Accessories Sale* and there does not appear to be anything loaded into the system" and normally I attempt to look at once contrite and adorable, and ask for a deadline extension.  Obviously tomorrow I will turn my nails so they catch the light, temporarily stun everybody, and dash from the room before anyone realises what has happened.  I know how to do meetings.

Here are some non-meeting-related things that have happened this week.   They would be in chronological order but I have forgotten which days they happened on.

1.  I was having my morning shower, washing my hair and keeping an eye on the spider who lives above the shower in case he fell in, when suddenly, a wasp!  A wasp in the shower!  I went "OOOOP" because apparently this is the noise I make when it's too early to wake up the neighbours by shouting "AHHHHH FUCK YOU WASP". And then the wasp fell out of the air and into the shower and went down the plug, which was a good outcome (for me, not for the wasp).

I have so many questions about this.  What is a wasp doing in the shower at 5.30 in the morning?  What is a wasp doing anywhere at 5.30 in the morning?  And why would he choose the shower?  Was he some kind of a wasp pervert?  Or simply a wasp wanderer**?  Why did he just stop flying and fall in the shower?  Was he struck by my nude beauty?  It could have been that.  Or was he simply struck by the water of the shower?   Or - had he been out for a big wasp night and done something he seriously regretted*** and was now very wasp hungover and wished to end it all?

I suppose we will never know.  RIP wasp.

Rest In Plughole.

This hadn't occurred to me before, but I really hope his wasp friends don't gather for a memorial service.

2.  I called one of the female sales reps 'bae' because she called me 'boo' and I thought 'bae' was just the 2015 version of 'boo'.  It turns out that it is not, it is much more serious than 'boo' and generally not something that one would use to refer to one's colleagues, unless one was boinking them. Although you can also boink your boo.  I think.  Fuck I am not down with the kids of today.

Anyway, it was good to learn this about 'bae' before accidentally saying it to my boss.

3.   I was talking to my friend Andrea and the conversation wandered to asking people out, and we realised that this is something neither of us know how to do.  She's married and has been for some time, and even before I was with HB my general approach was more "hello sir, we appear to be intoxicated and in close proximity, do you fancy a boink" than any kind of "shall we perhaps go to a movie sometime, or eat dinner, and then see if we fancy a boink."

sir while it is an excellent font that is not what i meant

I suspect that when you're asking someone out you try not to say boink, or ask them if they would fancy one, even though everyone knows that's the real question.  Would you like to go for a beer sometime?  The beer means boink.

Andrea and I tried to find some non-boink ways to ask people out, to see if we could, and we could not.  Luckily she asked her Facebook friends, and one of them commented with this, which will now be my standard go-to for any pending date situations:

"If you would ask me on a date I could stop wondering."


(Feel free to leave your own top boinking propositions in the comments.)

*unbridled discounts!

**not all who wander are wasp

***I don't know what a wasp would regret.  Wasps don't really seem like they have many regrets.  I can't imagine a wasp thinking "oh man, maybe I shouldn't have stung that puppy, what will everyone think?  I'm never having that much nectar on an empty stomach again.  Oh God I don't want to go into the hive today."   Wasps have always seemed more likely to go "AYYYY FUCK YOU PUPPY IMMA STING YOU AGAIN HEY GUYS WATCH THIS *STING STING STING*" drives away in obnoxious wasp car.

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