Tuesday, August 11, 2015

New Zealand Flag Idol

At the moment, we as a country are having a referendum to decide if we would like a new flag! I don't know why I put that exclamation mark, it isn't particularly exciting.  Which is also a fair description of our current flag.

pictured: flags who know how Pluto feels

The Prime Minister says we need a flag that “better reflect[s] our status as a modern, independent nation” and which is more representative of NZ's multicultural makeup than old Little Britain up there.  This is a fair point.

The third reason, which is definitely not even slightly the main reason, is that it would be nice to have a flag which doesn't look quite so much like Australia's.

shut up with your extra star. nobody likes you.

Before one can have a new flag, one must have a Flag Consideration Process.  This is less interesting than it sounds, which is impressive.  It's also remarkably similar to a TV talent show, except much more expensive.  Did you know the FCP will cost us $25.7 million?  That's a lot of Le Snaks.

"What about the 260,000 NZ children who are living in poverty?"
"Don't worry, they will love the new flag."

Note that that is probably not a real quote.

Here are the steps on the road to becoming NZ Flag Idol:

Part 1: The Auditions  
Anyone can make a submission for the new flag design.  We have done this part!  Over 10,000 designs were submitted and 90% of them did not make it through to the next round.  Their NZ's Next Top Flag dream ends here.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the Susan Boyle:

"I believe my design is so powerful it does not need to be discussed." - designer

That one is a real quote.

2: Boot Camp
A panel of Prominent New Zealanders cut down the designs from over 10,000 to a more modest 40.  The designs which are not selected are no longer part of Project Flagway.  Auf wiedersehen.  Air kiss.

This is just happened, here are your top 40:

"Kiwi with laser eyes, your Flag Consideration Process journey ends here."
*crowd boos*

(Note that many of the final 40 are predominantly black, allowing NZ to join the hallowed ranks of other black-flag-users including anarchists, pirates, and ISIS.)

3. The Live Rounds:
Next, your Flag Factor judges whittle down the 40 to a more modest 4.  They haven't done this yet, but I am very excited to see what they choose.  By now, we the people are expected to have our favourites and follow their emotional journey from being a tiny flagling to appearing in front of a live audience for the first time!  Txt to vote.  Votes cost 50c.

Note: we do not actually get to vote at this point.

4.  The Semi-Final:
We the public are asked to vote: if there was to be a new NZ's Next Top Flag, which one of the four semi-finalists would you choose?   This then gives us the Preferred Alternative Flag.

I really hope that this is where they unveil the Wildcard Entry, and this is what it is:

fuck yes, new zealand

5. The Final:
We the public are asked to vote: Would you like the Preferred Alternative Flag, or would you like The Flag We Have Already Got?  Voting lines are closed, the votes are tallied, and the triumphant flag makes a humble acceptance speech while hugging the losing flag, who is trying desparately not to cry.  An emotional video plays.
We remain excited about NZ's Next Top Flag for approximately ten minutes and then go back to wondering when MasterChef starts up again.


Footnote: it seems to me like the final question of "would you like a new flag" would have been a logical thing to ask at the beginning of this process, but then I am not a Government.


cerebral e said...

Kind of reminds me of Eurovision, what with the public voting, and also you showing the Australian flag, which reminds me that Australia competed in Eurovision this year despite not being part of Europe.

NZ is so much more progressive than Australia. Showing us up with your no coal, marriage equality, new flag ways. Whereas the new, very expensive, tourist attraction in my city is to be called "Elizabeth Quay", after the Queen. Our Premier decided this unilaterally and did not even consult his own peeps (although he did reportedly consult Her Maj).

sleep500 said...

Yo, NZ is just as fucked up as Australia. A flag panel that assesses a new flag for our nation that lacks a designer? We've got a bunch of celebrities and sports players selecting our nation identity in an international environment and no one has a design background?

Embarrassing but not as embarrassing as a history of genocide.

sleep500 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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