Monday, August 03, 2015

Roger's Tyres 'n' Tacos

I felt like this post was a bit, well, sweary so I went back through the blog Ctrl-F'ing The Ctrl+F Word and I haven't said fuck this many times in one post since March, 2011.  I hope you are as proud of me as I am.  Also in reading back over this I can't decide if it gets better as it goes along, or decidedly worse.  Either way, I am not sorry. 

Hello everyone!

In the interests of full disclosure, I am writing this blog because I really should have gone to the gym after work but I couldn't find my iPod or motivation, so I've justified not going to the gym by saying "...I may not be exercising my body, but that is ok because I am exercising my mind" and so really this blog is for the benefit of my conscience and not for your reading pleasure.  Although that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it.

I wrote a song on the drive home from work today.  It is called "Fuck you, you fuckwit, you're in a fucking merge lane" and is based on my emotional journey, and also on my physical journey.  It will join "Do They Know It's a Roundabout At All?" and "Would it Kill You to Indicate (You Absolute Prick)"* in my forthcoming album.  I am like the Taylor Swift of displeasing driving incidents.

got a long list of ex-lovers / they'll tell you that's my lane

Speaking of songs, that "Some Nights" song came on in the car and while I did not listen to it in its entirety, partly because it's crap and partly because I was too busy practicing my song about the merge lane, I did manage to catch the magnificent lyric:

"Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle."

somebody has fucked up their wish

I've spent half an hour thinking about what this means and I have no idea.  Does he wish that his lips could literally build a castle?  Or is this a castle of emotion?  Why does he wish this so much?  Does he want to live in the castle?  Does he want to gift the castle to someone special?  Perhaps he has someone who is important in his life and yet very hard to buy for, and he has already looked online and in his local supermarket, and he has come up empty-handed and now it is the day before their birthday and this is his absolute last resort?

I suppose we will never know.

i have made this for you with my lips would you like to go to dinner


This weekend I went to the Wintergarden with my sister and my nephews.  The Wintergarden would be better called the Indoorgarden as that is what it is.  It is a hothouse garden and it is there all year round, much like a regular garden but with the added benefit of being indoors.  I do not know why they have called it the Wintergarden, had it been me in charge I would have called it something else.

The Indoorwintergarden has lots of plants and an equal number of signs telling you not to touch the plants (fair enough, who doesn't like to touch a plant), and also this oddly specific sign about what not to do with the pond:

do not do the hokey pokey, do not turn about

I wanted to know why they made this sign.  I also wanted to put my feet in the pond, which presumably would have been fine.

although it might have caused an orchid moment

I'm so sorry about that orchid pun.  Let's move on.

We also walked down to the waterfront and I found out that 'love padlocks' is a thing that has reached New Zealand:

 the local S&M club has made an error

The idea is that you visit a romantic waterfront location with your sweetheart (Wikipedia said 'sweetheart', which is good because I probably would have said 'fuck buddy' and ruined the romantic story) and, to symbolise the eternal nature of your love, you carve your initials on a padlock and clip it to the nearest structure and then chuck the key into the water.  I'm not sure what happens after that but presumably you have a pash then go for a gelato or whatever.  I'm not very romantic.

not pictured: seal who has eaten the key

This is all very lovely in the context of the relatively un-love-locked Auckland waterfront pictured above, but overseas people just go bananas; this is the Pont des Arts in Paris, which has recently had 45 tonnes of love locks removed because part of the bridge collapsed:

I think you'll agree my use of bold and italics in the same sentence was justified.

You would think that at some point you'd just give up and clip the padlock on the railing of a McDonalds on the way home.

It's also a massive missed advertising opportunity; imagine if you, Roger's Tyres 'n' Tacos, set up a booth at one end of the bridge selling locks with couples' initials on one side and the Roger's Tyres 'n' Tacos logo on the other.

You would make an absolute killing.

no no, you have another taco, nobody has to know

I... I'm not really sure what I expected the outcome of this blog post to be, but it wasn't that. 

Probably I should have gone to the gym.

*other song titles I considered for this section:
"Take Me To Church at 30km an Hour" 
"Macarthur Park Already You Idiot, You Are Blocking Traffic"
"Is This Love? Or Are Your Hazards On By Accident" 
"This Lane is Your Lane, This Lane is My Lane"
"Traffic Islands in the Stream.  That is what they are. Just drive around them you fuckwit"

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