WE HAVE A WINNER

I forgot about the PZS giveaway for a couple of days. Sorry, everyone.

Anyway, competition was tough! My readers are intelligent literati types! Yay

It was a tough decision, but unfortunately there can only be one America's Next Top Model winner. Here are the totally awesome five runners-up, and a situation in which you might be forced to use them:

Porpoise-zapping stick - Anon
"Quick, Maurice, fetch the PZS!"

Plastic Zebra Species - Jill
"That animal is standing remarkably still. Perhaps he is a member of the PZS."

Post zygotic stress (stress experienced by an individual post conception) - Anon
"As well as my borderline, depression and mild bipolar, I also suffer from PZS."

Portable zoo storage - Kelly
"Hello, Logistics? We're having a bit of a problem with the PZS."

Probably Zebra Shit - Brooke
"I hate cleaning this enclosure. I'm covered in some kind of PZS."

And the winner is...

Pulling zen shit. - Anon
"You know, just, like, sitting and BEING, man."

This is the winner because it made me laugh so hard. I used to be in a band with a saxophone player who was constantly PZS. His parents were French (apparently) and he was called Lorenzo (apparently). When he was introduced to me the conversation actually went like this: "Hi, I'm Ally." "Yeah. Cool. How are you. Yeah. Right." In that I'm-a-rock-star way, but he wasn't.

My favourite time he PZS - and he did it a lot - was when he was talking about transport.

"I'm going to get a bike," he said, "so I can just, like, cycle." "Enough with the PZS," I should have said.

So, whoever that particular Anon was, email me your details (tarquin.deathmongrel(at)gmail.com) and I'll send you something.

Congratulations! And congratulations to the lovely runners-up also because it was really close, and to the other people who entered. Although not as much congratulations, because, well, you didn't win, did you.

DEAD GIVEAWAY: edited (twice)

Today Andrea suggested I do a reader giveaway.

Does anyone want sleep500? You may have him.*

No. That is not what it means. She does them on her blog - asks people to leave a comment if they'd like a Lovely Thing, and then she draws a name at random and sends the person the Lovely Thing.

However, there are two important differences between Andrea's Blog Giveaways and mine:

1. Andrea runs a fashion blog (for those of you who haven't seen it, it's here), and she sends her readers beautiful items of clothing. I do not run a fashion blog, so God knows what you'll be getting. I promise it won't be anything gross, like one of my toenails. (Let me know if you'd like one of those, though, I plan to trim them in the near future.) Haven't decided what it will be yet, but it will be Nice and Interesting! And anyway if you don't like it you can sell it or, if you are wise, hold onto it until I am famous and then sell it.

2. To enter Andrea's giveaways, you just have to leave a comment, and then she draws a name out of a hat. To enter MINE you have to leave a comment with what you think PZS stands for.** Andrea thought it might be 'Pizzle Zircon Syphilis,' which is a particularly bad strain of syphilis (as opposed to the particularly good ones) that turns your pizzle to zircon. So that should give you some idea of the level of competition.

I'll let it run for a week, at the end of which I will either have a winner or a decided lack of interest. I'll pick my favourite PZS and then I'll mail the winner the prize (they will have to be willing to email me their postal address. That is the catch.) If there are two I can't decide between, well, I might send two prizes. Or I might not. I could do anything. WHO KNOWS? That is the excitement of a reader giveaway.

If it is the latter - i.e. no-one wishes to participate - I will KEEP THE PRIZE, but I will also be very sad.

EDITED BIT: New readers and people who have not commented before are totally expected to enter, just like the old faithful are. (Yay!) Also you can totally enter more than once.


Also I had an idea for a game show using the Survivor format: you gather 16 people on various medications (say a couple of schizophrenics, a dissociative, someone with paranoia, a manic-depressive, someone with ADHD, etc) then put them all on an island and take away the meds.

Ohmygod ohmygod they all hate me it's going to be me tonight they're going to vote me off aren't they.

I will call it Survivor: Panic Island. I am a God-damn genius.

*I told him about the giveaway and that he could enter and he was all "SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TO ICE MELT."

** not 'Preteen Zombie Sluts,' but that would probably be a pretty good porno


Andrea: that was total meta-PZS.