Sunday, April 12, 2009

Lizst: 3

Today is a special day, and not just because of Zombie Jesus rising Easter - I have a new theory about the World that I would like to share with you all. Don't worry, it's more socially acceptable than theory #23*. It is about a theory about Morality. Prepare yourself!

Ok, imagine this. One afternoon you are sitting quietly in the lounge watching, I don't know, the Home & Away omnibus or something, and then out of nowhere GOD appears in your living room & switches off the TV. "Oi!" you say, "I was watching that, Charlie was just about to hook up with that other girl." GOD, who does not watch Home & Away because it is on at the same time as Wheel of Fortune, does not care. "I have a proposition for you," says GOD. "Would you like to be Very Rich?" "Yes," you say. GOD pretends to be all surprised, and then goes on to outline a plan by which you could, nay, will become ludicrously wealthy. The downside is that it is ever so slightly illegal and/or immoral. Nothing too bad, no grandmother-selling or anything, just a little on the dodgy side. You wonder slightly why GOD is suggesting this. However, GOD has given you his very own, God-given guarantee that no-one will ever find out and you can tell your friends and family you're an investment banker or something.

Now, my theory is that there are two types of people in the world: those who would say, "Gosh, no, thanks awfully, but I couldn't ever do that," and those who would say, "I think my first Porsche will have to be silver." I definitely fall into the second group; my mother, aunt and cousin do not. It makes for interesting dinner conversation. And now, a list.

Things That Happened To Me Today

1. I went to the beach and got crabs crawl on my hand! Went around lifting up rocks and found all of these things:
- little shiny black crabs with big front pincers
- see above, but bigger & old enough to have one 'boxer's pincer' more developed than the other; hardcore. Was one of these that I talked into hopping on my hand
- traditionally-shaped crabs (heart-shaped shell) with little spindly legs
- anenomes that waved their fronds about and tucked them all back in rapidly when confronted with my finger
- small, see-through 'mini-lobsters' with orange spots on their legs; did not actually see the spots but have it on good authority (from my mother) that they did exist
- 'shadow fish' - small, black, bullet-shaped (?) fish (?) that move very fast and resemble shadows. Probably not their technical name but you never know.

2. Was menaced by beach bagpiper. Some chump with a pair of bagpipes** obviously had the noble idea to practice his 'art' away from civilization; this would have been a great idea but Cable Bay is a popular beach spot and not really away from civilization at all. He hauled ass up a hill that overlooked the bay and proceeded to face out to sea and play the bagpipes really badly.
Turns out that playing the bagpipes whilst standing on a hill and facing out to sea doesn't make you cut a lone, dramatic figure; it makes you look like a chump playing the bagpipes. The delightful thing about the bagpipes, I find, is that it is possibly the only instrument that allows you to be out of tune with yourself. Not only were two of the tones in the drone out of tune, but the drone itself was almost a full semitone out with the high squealy melody bit (pipes?). I was tempted to go and ask him, "How can you stand the noise you're making?" but this would have been rude. Man what I would not have given right then to have my trumpet. I would walk up the hill with it and stand right behind the bagpipe player and bring the trumpet down smartly on his head. Jenny, ever the optimist, asked, "Does it get better as he warms up?" Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Good one, Jenny.

3. I saw a dump truck. This was only exciting because it was the exact replica of a toy dump truck I had as a child (only bigger) and I haven't seen a dump truck like it since I used to play with the toy one in the sandpit. Yay! You're going to have to trust me on this, but it was exciting. Shout-out to any operators of industrial machinery (especially dump trucks) who are in today's audience. Also digger drivers. Here is a quote from my father, about diggers: "Our friends in times of peace and war." Here is a another quote from my father, rifling through the pantry this morning after forgetting that everything was closed for Easter Sunday: "Vegetable samosas! Are they like breakfast?"

4. I went to the Cathedral and looked at stained glass saints and I have got to say that maybe it's just because he seems to be the only dude saint without a beard but boy does St. John, Ev. (what is this Ev?) look emo. He looks like someone who would take you aside at a party and spend the next hour reciting his bad poetry and telling you about how difficult it is to make it as an artist while you desperately try to escape. In other news, I'm not sure what he's the saint of, but I hope I never have to pray to him. St. James the Great is much more my type of saint; his window has "ye shall drink from my cup" written on it. It would suck to be St. James the Lesser, wouldn't it? He and St. John, Ev. probably hang out together and complain. Heck, they probably have a band or something. Oh shit I'm going to hell again.

Also at the cathedral: painting of Lord Baden-Powell of Gilwell (possibly; wrote it down very messily and now not sure exactly what it says), who was the founder of the Boy Scouts and, more importantly, CHIEF SCOUT OF THE WORLD. I know this because that was the caption of the painting. CHIEF SCOUT OF THE WORLD. I just misspelt 'scout' as 'scunt.' Whoops.

5. I heard the cathedral bell-ringers practicing their scales and they were fairly unimpressive (although to be fair it is probably not an easy thing to do). There were a lot of accidental non-scales. "Fuck, Henry! That's the F bell! A is in your left hand! How many times do we have to go over this?" My mother said "Well, it's better than an old Arab man singing on the top of his minaret." Slightly politically incorrect, but true nonetheless.

Tomorrow, post will be better. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Good one. Fuck I am obnoxious.

*you can't complain about overpopulation and world hunger at the same time

**or is it just called a bagpipe? Does anyone really care about this?


sleep500 said...

Pretty sure 'Ev' is for Evangelist.

Anonymous said...

Third type of person: "Screw you and your crappy scam! I can take care of myself!" ^^

IT IS ALLY said...

Oh shut up you bloody individual.

Thanks Zachy. Informative.

'dernsced:' what you are when you get foot-tripped by someone of Slavic descent.

Holly said...

Lol! Sounds like your day was more exciting than mine!

As for your moral conundrum, I have to say that although upon first thought I'd be in the first group, in reality, I'd probably agree with you. I probably would do the Immoral Thing. Whoops.

LMFAO at the mental image of you smacking the bagpiper on the head with your trumpet! I did not know that (a SET of?) bagpipes could be out of tune with themselves! Is that true, or did you make it up? Either way, it sounds convincing.

Yup Gilwell is right for Lord Baden-Powell, at least according to Wikipedia. Did you know that he and his wife had the same birthday!? Now that fact I actually did know, and didn't have to Google, since Girl Guides observe it as their annual Thinking Day. This year my district observed Thinking Day by touring churches. Is it just me, or does that strike you as...a little odd?

Word Verification: "ditymate". Teehee.

Baglady said...

I flipping hate bagpipes. Crappy drony tuneless noise. And loud too. Hate them.

Stallych - A Scottish disease in which a scotsman gets an lump like an icicle / stalactite on his bits. From wearing a kilt in cold weather.

Christina said...

Yeah, the saints were pretty awesome (we saw the Cathedral on Saturday). I especially liked "Come and see St Matthew" (Why? Is he an enthralling side-show?) and one saint who had "The chosen one" or something similar at the top of his window. Cue large numbers of "I choose you, Pikachu!" comments from our friends.

Although for one person, the organ - specifically the Swelled Organ - seemed to be the highlight :D

Ingoroo - a kangaroo who's just had extensive tooth surgery.