Lizst: 3

Today is a special day, and not just because of Zombie Jesus rising Easter - I have a new theory about the World that I would like to share with you all. Don't worry, it's more socially acceptable than theory #23*. It is about a theory about Morality. Prepare yourself!

Ok, imagine this. One afternoon you are sitting quietly in the lounge watching, I don't know, the Home & Away omnibus or something, and then out of nowhere GOD appears in your living room & switches off the TV. "Oi!" you say, "I was watching that, Charlie was just about to hook up with that other girl." GOD, who does not watch Home & Away because it is on at the same time as Wheel of Fortune, does not care. "I have a proposition for you," says GOD. "Would you like to be Very Rich?" "Yes," you say. GOD pretends to be all surprised, and then goes on to outline a plan by which you could, nay, will become ludicrously wealthy. The downside is that it is ever so slightly illegal and/or immoral. Nothing too bad, no grandmother-selling or anything, just a little on the dodgy side. You wonder slightly why GOD is suggesting this. However, GOD has given you his very own, God-given guarantee that no-one will ever find out and you can tell your friends and family you're an investment banker or something.

Now, my theory is that there are two types of people in the world: those who would say, "Gosh, no, thanks awfully, but I couldn't ever do that," and those who would say, "I think my first Porsche will have to be silver." I definitely fall into the second group; my mother, aunt and cousin do not. It makes for interesting dinner conversation. And now, a list.


Things That Happened To Me Today

1. I went to the beach and got crabs...to crawl on my hand! Went around lifting up rocks and found all of these things:
- little shiny black crabs with big front pincers
- see above, but bigger & old enough to have one 'boxer's pincer' more developed than the other; hardcore. Was one of these that I talked into hopping on my hand
- traditionally-shaped crabs (heart-shaped shell) with little spindly legs
- anenomes that waved their fronds about and tucked them all back in rapidly when confronted with my finger
- small, see-through 'mini-lobsters' with orange spots on their legs; did not actually see the spots but have it on good authority (from my mother) that they did exist
- 'shadow fish' - small, black, bullet-shaped (?) fish (?) that move very fast and resemble shadows. Probably not their technical name but you never know.

2. Was menaced by beach bagpiper. Some chump with a pair of bagpipes** obviously had the noble idea to practice his 'art' away from civilization; this would have been a great idea but Cable Bay is a popular beach spot and not really away from civilization at all. He hauled ass up a hill that overlooked the bay and proceeded to face out to sea and play the bagpipes really badly.
Turns out that playing the bagpipes whilst standing on a hill and facing out to sea doesn't make you cut a lone, dramatic figure; it makes you look like a chump playing the bagpipes. The delightful thing about the bagpipes, I find, is that it is possibly the only instrument that allows you to be out of tune with yourself. Not only were two of the tones in the drone out of tune, but the drone itself was almost a full semitone out with the high squealy melody bit (pipes?). I was tempted to go and ask him, "How can you stand the noise you're making?" but this would have been rude. Man what I would not have given right then to have my trumpet. I would walk up the hill with it and stand right behind the bagpipe player and bring the trumpet down smartly on his head. Jenny, ever the optimist, asked, "Does it get better as he warms up?" Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Good one, Jenny.

3. I saw a dump truck. This was only exciting because it was the exact replica of a toy dump truck I had as a child (only bigger) and I haven't seen a dump truck like it since I used to play with the toy one in the sandpit. Yay! You're going to have to trust me on this, but it was exciting. Shout-out to any operators of industrial machinery (especially dump trucks) who are in today's audience. Also digger drivers. Here is a quote from my father, about diggers: "Our friends in times of peace and war." Here is a another quote from my father, rifling through the pantry this morning after forgetting that everything was closed for Easter Sunday: "Vegetable samosas! Are they like breakfast?"

4. I went to the Cathedral and looked at stained glass saints and I have got to say that maybe it's just because he seems to be the only dude saint without a beard but boy does St. John, Ev. (what is this Ev?) look emo. He looks like someone who would take you aside at a party and spend the next hour reciting his bad poetry and telling you about how difficult it is to make it as an artist while you desperately try to escape. In other news, I'm not sure what he's the saint of, but I hope I never have to pray to him. St. James the Great is much more my type of saint; his window has "ye shall drink from my cup" written on it. It would suck to be St. James the Lesser, wouldn't it? He and St. John, Ev. probably hang out together and complain. Heck, they probably have a band or something. Oh shit I'm going to hell again.

Also at the cathedral: painting of Lord Baden-Powell of Gilwell (possibly; wrote it down very messily and now not sure exactly what it says), who was the founder of the Boy Scouts and, more importantly, CHIEF SCOUT OF THE WORLD. I know this because that was the caption of the painting. CHIEF SCOUT OF THE WORLD. I just misspelt 'scout' as 'scunt.' Whoops.

5. I heard the cathedral bell-ringers practicing their scales and they were fairly unimpressive (although to be fair it is probably not an easy thing to do). There were a lot of accidental non-scales. "Fuck, Henry! That's the F bell! A is in your left hand! How many times do we have to go over this?" My mother said "Well, it's better than an old Arab man singing on the top of his minaret." Slightly politically incorrect, but true nonetheless.

Tomorrow, post will be better. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Good one. Fuck I am obnoxious.



*you can't complain about overpopulation and world hunger at the same time

**or is it just called a bagpipe? Does anyone really care about this?

Toes Go In First

or, Thank God It's Friday. Look at me with my plebeian dayjob mind! I am sick of cutting up sticks now. Sure, it's fine for the first five hours, but the last three are sheer hell.

In other news, the novel editing is going well. By this I mean the editing of my Seminal Work, not the brand new editing or whatever that would've implied if it didn't imply the editing of my Seminal Work. My brain has atrophied. I have a headache and every time I close my eyes I see your face...no, I see vines. Got carried away there but I see vines, tangled vines, and sometimes my secateurs. snip snip snip swear internally. although today one of the guys lost his temper, shouted 'motherFUCKER' and kicked the vines, then his bucket. Was going to work a 'kicked the bucket' pun in there, but decided against it as I am WISE.

Also I Beboed. Every time I go on Bebo I die a little inside. To Bebo or not to Bebo? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the awful grammar and chatspeak of the detritus of humanity, or to fight against the sea of people who are adding you to their Bebo thing and sending you mindless messages, and by opposing piss them off?

and now I'm BORED but I can't be bothered doing any work, and it's still TWO HOURS until Footballers' Wives comes on. Gosh life is HARD.

I was thinking today about how if God did, in fact, make Man in his own image it was kind of a narcissistic thing to do- even if they were talking metaphorically. If not, surely I have a point? I mean, you make all these animals in all these weird shapes and sizes, cats and rats and elephants and so on, and then you stop and look at them and go "Shit yeah." And then you get up the next day, and you think 'Today I am going to make a creature that will DOMINATE all of this other stuff I've made. And this thing right up at the top of the food chain is going to look like ME. And there will be MILLIONS of them, and they are All Going To Look Like Me.'
It's more or less the divine equivalent of standing in front of the mirror going, "Hey! Everybody! Come and see how good I look!" I mean, I'd totally do it that way, were I God, but God isn't supposed to do the sort of things I'd do were I Him.

On that note, my father (actual, not celestial) wants to use the computer. This is fair as it is in fact his computer. I am going to put my electric blanket and my pyjamas on, then go upstairs and watch bad TV in front of the fire. It is going to be AWESOME.

A Whole New World (of blogging)

Turns out I've had this address for some time, but my life just hasn't been exciting enough to justify using it!
...well, now it is.
Also, I figured out how to access it. I hope everybody's suitably proud of me.

I have no idea what I'm going to use this blog for; I already have my regular blog (rarely-updated, mainly obsolete); my secret blog (angsty, updated far too often, inspiration of much paranoia about address falling into wrong hands); my not-me blog (me, but not me, another person...seemed like a good idea at the time and has more readers than my actual blog ever did, which should tell you something); poetry blog (really should update); and various other, forgotten blogs floating around somewhere in cyberspace.

Perhaps this can be my new regular blog. No, wait, not my regular blog. This is no ordinary blog! It is my BRAND SPANKING NEW & IMPROVED OXYMORONIC SNAZZY blog. I drink too much coffee. What else do I do?

I play the trumpet. I write, sometimes to do with my business (see next sentence) and sometimes editing my Seminal Work. (It's a novel.) I am trying to start a business, and sometimes this involves writing. Tell you when it's finished. I cut off all my hair last weekend and now look a little like Audrey Hepburn, but only a little. I speak a little French and am learning Spanish, but not overly quickly as I never seem to get around to actually learning it, just telling people that I am. Donde esta los upside-down question marks? And how does one pronounce them? See, French was easier, they didn't bollock about with their punctuation pointing the wrong way. Every Spanish person I've met have been relatively mental (ond, okay, there were only three but still), with the possible exception of Hugo, who is only half-Spanish (rumour has it) but at least two-thirds mental.

I'm rambling. I really should go and do some work. It's so not going to happen.

Also, have come back to edit this because while leaving a comment on Andrea's blog (sorry, Andrea, if I just EXPOSED your secret identity...I watched Spiderman tonight and am possibly a little sensitive about secret identites) I realised that Google has in its wisdom consolidated me (I was all vaporous and stuff, or maybe I was a major conglomerate) and now my sign-in name appears to have gone back to Amadeus, for everything, and will stay that way until I figure out how to change it. Which is a bit pretentious- the name, not the lack of computer skills. Unless you have the fantastic musical talent of Josh, or Hugo...Hugo is the new Josh. He is MADE of JAZZ. Andrea- I apologise. I realise that most of that was copy-pasted straight from the comment on your blog, but I feel I made a good point and one which I couldn't be bothered writing out again. Why did God give us the Copy and Paste tools if He didn't intend for us to use them? (And how do you think He made stuff, anyway, back in the seven days? You really think He made every blade of grass individually? SURE He did. I mean, believe what you like, but would YOU have? I wouldn't have, I would have copied and pasted, but possibly this is one of the reasons why I'm not God.)