Monday, January 25, 2010

Wieners of the Week

Now with the correct spelling of 'wiener!' Which still looks totally wrong to me.

People who say 'fustrated' - this really frustrates me. In a perfect world, 'fustrate' would mean something really filthy, and everyone would be super-careful about their pronunciation, not run about spouting baby-talk out of their wiener holes.

Whoever wrote the tagline for 'Clash of the Titans' - for those of you who haven't seen the preview, it goes like this. "TITANS" (dramatic image) "WILL" (dramatic image) "CLASH" (many dramatic images in quick succession, then SILENT PAUSE-) "CLASH OF THE TITANS." Seriously? That's the best you could come up with? What if all movies had taglines like that? "Penguins Will March." "Tigers Will Crouch; Dragons Will Hide." "Wolves Will Dance (With You?)"

Corporatespeak - "Following the recent onboarding of the proactive redistribution unit, we are prepared to meet head-on any challenges going forward as a cohesive business unit. Please diarise and action as appropriate. Managers: please cascade." I don't understand why you wouldn't just- oh, right, big words make stuff sound more important. Verily, it is the language of the wieners.

Bus Invaders - Here is a small list of things which I do not enjoy during my daily commute.
1. Strangers who sit next to you on the bus and take up more than their half of the seat. Few things are less pleasant than feeling the heat and, yes, even a little of the damp from someone's big fat thigh.
2. Strangers who sit next to you on the bus even though there are whole spare seats available. I just do not get this at all.
3. Strangers who sit next to you on the bus and decide to talk to you about your day.
4. People who go on the bus when they have a cold and sniff in a disgusting fashion for the whole journey. Once I had to get off the bus several stops early because I was on the verge of turning round and roaring, "GET A FUCKING TISSUE YOU DISGUSTING MORON" and that would not have been good.
5. Strangers who sit next to you on the bus even though there are whole spare seats available and you have placed your bag on the seat next to you, a clear sign that you don't want to be bothered because you are trying to read your book or do your makeup or whatever, and then they come lumbering up the aisle and position their fat arse directly above your bag and force you to move it. This happened to me this morning and I was so fucking angry - there were so many spare seats, and then this chubby man came up the aisle and lowered his bum onto my bag (which I whisked out of the way just in time - I should've left it there) and then, to add insult to injury, started chatting.
"Hullo! How are you?"
"Fine."
"Good! I'm good." Pause. "Off to work, then?"
"Yes."
"Ah, Monday, eh?" Pause. "Where do you work?"
WIENER WIENER WIENER. I sometimes wish I was less polite and more inclined to tell people to fuck off.

My hair - it has decided to channel Farrah Fawcett and do an odd Charlie's Angels-style thing, which would be great if I didn't have to go to work, or if I did have to go to work but work was fighting crime in a catsuit, which to be honest I kind of wish it was. Perhaps this is revenge for hair oil incident? Stupid hair.

People who don't understand that 'reply' and 'reply all' are not the same thing - we have had the e-mail for years now, people. Years and bloody years. We do not all need to hear your banal comment on that 30-person group email. It was not very interesting in the first place, Nigel from band. Also Tony from band. You do it as well. You are both wieners.

Wine reviewer Tim Atkin - not only does he look like a bit of a wiener

Oh no, all this delicious wine has made me go bald!

- but he announced in his column last week that he will no longer be reviewing or recommending wine that comes in heavy bottles, because they shit all over the environment (he didn't phrase it quite like that). Now listen, Tim Atkin, you wiener, I completely respect your right to not allow heavy bottles into your own home. But your job means that you can't really hop up onto random high horses like that. What will it be next week? "I don't like Pinot Gris, and I am no longer going to review it." "I find Blenheim boring, so will no longer be reviewing any Marlborough wines." It is like a restaurant reviewer who refuses to go to any restaurant that serves food on square plates. Get over it.

Rihanna, who I didn't have a problem with until she went on Oprah and declared that she had been unable to sleep for worrying about the orphans in Haiti and then (I am not making this up), uttered that phrase of eternal wienerdom, "The children are the future." Which leads me right into...

People who are sanctimonious about international events. I am in no way saying that the quake in Haiti was not an enormous tragedy, because it was. That being said, I am sick of people who seem to have adopted a sort of how-dare-you attitude. "How can you think about buying shoes when Haiti?" "How can you talk about Hollywood gossip when Haiti?" "How can you HAVE A BEER WHEN HAITI????" Are you people serious? I am not going to stop spending money on coffee and shoes just because Haiti. I donated. I have done my bit. Feeling bad for Haiti is not going to help Haiti. Guilt-tripping everyone I know is not going to help Haiti.

Free Jazz - Sorry, Josh (and any other readers who have been known to partake in that group wank, the free jazz jam) but it is awful. Is it called "Free Jazz" because no-one would ever pay for it? It sounds like two spastic cats humping. It sounds like someone sitting on a gong, while someone else drops an accordion, while a third person plays the trombone with their arse. I mean, you don't even all have to be in the same key! It's just a group of people standing in a circle having a (musical) wank! WHICH LEADS ME TO...

John Mayer, Eternal Wiener King, creates a rather 'meta' moment by talking about his relationship with his own personal wiener.

"I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion."

Dear LORD he talks a lot of crap. I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life? Also, would someone please tell this man that wanking isn't really very edgy any more? Wiener.

20 comments:

a cat of impossible colour said...

I am going to write a self-help book called 'Masturbate Your Way to a Million.' It is going to be awesome.

Mr London Street said...

Wine reviewers in general are wieners, though nowhere near as bad as restaurant critics.

Holly said...

I completely agree about the annoying people on buses. Sometimes it's even worse when you're waiting for the bus and they come along. You want to walk away to make them shut up, but you just can't because inevitably the bus WILL come along before you make it to the next stop! I suppose that's what iPods are for.

Your international disaster comment reminded me of how parents say "Eat your vegetables, there are starving children in Africa." Yes. Yes they are, and that's terrible and something should be done about it, but how is my eating vegetables going to help...?

Posie Patchwork said...

Where do i start, so much to read & laugh & nod & giggle & comment on. Well buses, no brainer, those idiots aren't going to read this so they will continue to be clueless & drawn to you.
I do LOVE the idea of you introducing "Buzz Word Bingo" as it's the perfect way to pass those boring meetings with those sucking up. You know the drill - write down the top 10 words most buzzed about & when they are said 5 times each, they get marked off, then eventually it's BINGO!! I worked in the oil industry, there were plenty. That was a decade ago, i've been hiding in motherland since, i wonder why?? Love Posie

Helga said...

feck,that is a beautiful rant.I have only just discovered you,and I have NO IDEA how I got by without Weiners of The Week before now.Am just waiting for the Crown Prince of Weiners,Justin Timberlake(WTF kind of name is that,anyway??!!) to make an appearance.

Helga said...

O,feck,sorry,WIENERS.Feck.

Owen said...

one of your finest rants dear. giving a voice to those of us who are too inarticulate to do so :P please never stop :)

IT IS ALLY said...

Andrea - You do realise JM will swoop in and claim 75% of the profits, though?

MLS - I know! It is because they are from a different, better species.

Holly - I didn't have my iPod, it's broken :( but I have never wanted it more

Posie - we tried to introduce that at my last job but it was just too funny and the meetings fell apart!

Helga - Good thought! JT is untapped territory. Virgin territory. As it were. Also, completely understand spelling error as I made it for THREE WEEKS

Owen - next week: that bullshit annoying health & safety software! ps. like the new blog subheading? Tee hee hee

Tarryn said...

Once i forgot my ipod plugged into my pc at home and only had the headphones in my bag. I actually have to admit to tucking the plug-mabob, unattached to any ipod, in my pocket and putting the headphones in my ears just so that a woman would leave me alone and stop preaching jesus to me on the train.

Also restaurant reviewers are the scum of the earth.

Also, thanks for your input, here is the linkity link link to the exclusive post in which you feature! woo!

(http://insert-witty-and-apt-url-here.blogspot.com/2010/01/blogs-that-are-better-than-mine.html)

Oh, and also again, did you know that you can vote once every day on the bloggies? not just once. so you should be encouraging peeps to vote everyday. coz the others are losers. and you are a winner. not a wiener.

*uncorked said...

Brilliant. "People who are sanctimonious about international events." I am so sick of this guilt trip.

otherworldlyone said...

This is now my favorite installment of wieners. Hilarious! And the Haiti bit....true.

Esmerelda said...

I wish John Mayer would stop talking. He's not bad to look at - if he would only learn that eye candy should never speak.

WV: blenadj, when one feels very blah indeed about adjectives.

TbR said...

On wieners on buses - I have a similar gripe with wieners on trains. This morning a big bloke squeezed himself between me and the person on the other side, WEDGING me between his shoulder and the window. Thank God my stop was the end of the line, or I'm not sure I would have made it off - I couldn't move for love nor money and had to develop a special handflick to turn the page of my book. And there were so many other seats. Why me?

Julie said...

found your blog from the bloggie awards page. It is nice to see a local blogger nominated. Good luck! Can I nominate this guy for "wiener of the week": http://www.stuff.co.nz/the-press/news/3262284/Businessman-wants-to-nail-cyclists ?

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

OKG there is nothing worse that people on a bus sitting next to you when they don't need to.

I am fat and this means I take up more than half the seat so why anyone would choose to sit with me is baffeling!! and yet, it happens!

total fucking wieners!

green ink said...

Am in the middle of appraisal writing at the moment, and there is corporate speak all over the joint - so that point made me laugh particularly :D

Mattie said...

So much to agree with. I particularly liked your rant about "fustrated". My pet hate is people asking constantly in conversation "do you know what I mean?" This implies they think I'm so stupid that I couldn't possibly understand the banal shit that they're trying to say!

IT IS ALLY said...

Tarryn - thank you for the feature! Sorry my comments were not more erudite.

*uncorked - HOW CAN YOU READ BLOG WHEN HAITI

ow1 - I hope you read the John Mayer part first. Every week I think, "What if I run out of douchebag things he has said?" but it appears his douchebaggery is bottomless

Esmerelda - I know! If he just sat there and looked pretty I would probably quite like him.

TbR - Perhaps is curse?

Julie - yes! I saw that. Definitely a wiener - not only because of the cyclists, but because of highly amusing screen name

Kat - people are fucking retarded, we know this. Not us, though.

green ink - even the word 'appraisal' rings alarm bells. Hehehe.

Mattie - I know! I like to think that such people are just assuming that you are as stupid as they are.

*uncorked said...

Shit. My bad.

musketnuss said...

I know that's not the newest post, but I recently found your blog (Thanks to the Bloggies!) and I just wanted to tell you: I don't usually laugh out loud when reading, but I did now. Often. The Clash of the Titans tagline. And the bus thing - happens to me too, but on the underground. The wine reviewer! Thank you - you made my evening.