Thursday, March 18, 2010

Fouling the Nest

Question of the day: Would you do a poo in the garden?

Not someone else's garden - that might in fact be slightly easier - but your own. We were discussing this at work yesterday because I received a txt from a family member who had resisted doing a wee at work (at a rest home - it weirds them out), held on for 3 hours, and raced home to find that they'd forgotten their key and the next person in would be half an hour. I replied saying, "do a wee in the garden." Because I totally would. Not, you know, in the vegetable part of the garden (I know it nitrogenates* the soil and everything but a) eww and b) the dog pretty much has that covered - he is all about peeing on the leeks and leaking on the peas**), but in the plant part. Round the back of the house. Obviously.

*this is possibly not a real word?

**I am pleased with this sentence

Mentioned this to my co-worker, who agreed that piddling in your own backyard is as natural as piddling in the shower (oh please, don't pretend you never have), but who then brought up an excellent point. "I'm not sure I'd do a poo in the garden," she said thoughtfully. I said, "I would not do a poo in my garden." She asked if I would rather do the poo in my trou and, while it's never going to be an issue for me (we have a little nature reserve over our back fence, and that is where I would do the poo) I was curious to see what other people thought. I mean, I know it's biodegradable and everyone would poo in the bush (originally mistyped that as 'bus', which would've changed the sentence - and your opinion of me - completely) without a second thought but, I don't know, your own garden? Maybe if you had a compost pile it would be slightly better.

Also worth noting: colleague and I both have largish dogs, and she thought that the poo could be passed off as canine. I said I thought mine would be larger than his, especially if it had been an urgent one, but she disagreed. Thoughts on this, anyone? I don't know an awful lot about scat and I'm pretty sure it falls into the category of 'things not to research at work.' Also I'd bury the poo, which the dog would not. I wonder if he would bury it for me? Probably not. Probably he would eat it. Mum likes to tell a story about how when I was Very Small I did the odd poo on the porch (see, it's fine when you're under five) and she'd go out to pick it up, and it would be gone! and the dog would be sitting there wearing a huge shit-eating grin.*

*I am extremely pleased with this sentence.

So, at a pinch (excuse pun) I would poo in the nature reserve.
Where would you poo? Where would your friends poo?


Joff said...

As a guy, the entire world is our urinal.. all we need is a vertical surface to go against (or a horizontal one, we're not fussy).

Not even gonna talk about garden poops, there is definitely something about too much information..

vw: lathr - scrubbing yourself with bodywash for the Web 2.0 generation

(also damn you for making posts so compelling, I have to comment)

Michelle said...

I'm with Joff... and this post is so thought-provoking I have go away for a bit and think about it.

(And to clarify - I am definately not testing your theory)

wv. thsgre - totally plagarising from Joff - text speak for those too lazy to write "this is great"

Helga said...

I have,in fact,pooped in my garden,off the end of a boat in Egypt,under a tree in a park in Geraldine,and on a trampoline,amongst others.Pooping is as natural as breathing!!
So there.

Mrs. L said...

Do those of you out New Zealand way enjoy the charming pastime of teepeeing someone's trees? As part of the ritual, from time to time, a steaming pile of poop may be left on the stoop.

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

pooing in the garden is disgusting.

however if it is between that craping my pants I consider it depending on the answers to these questions.

(a) how long will i have to wait to change?

(b) i am wearing underwear?

Posie Patchwork said...

Clearly you didn't ask any children here!! I met a lady who was toilet training her twin boys & they got confused with 'potty training' & they considered plant pots were part of potty training, close but no cigar boys!! Their mother found many a poo in the pots, even uprooted pot plants!! Love Posie

Amy said...

I can't stop laughing. I would totally pee in my garden, and in my drunken youth probably peed in other people's gardens. Not sure about poo, though.

otherworldlyone said...

Being the clumsy sort I could never pee outside, which of course means I couldn't poo outside either. I'll leave it at that.

Anonymous said...

I remember a time in youth group a strange girl had pooed in the corner of the bathroom stall. We couldn't figure out why she didnt just use the actual toilet. The peeing part tho, I think is easier to get away with. I have a had to go along the side of the interstate once while v. drunk and scraped my bottom on the retaining wall.. not fun the next day!

chris.dadness said...

Honestly you people. Thomas Crapper invents* a perfectly good device and you just ignore it. (See his biography Flushed With Pride: The Story of Thomas Crapper) in all good libraries). *Well, he improved it anyway. Jobs in the porcelain and Toilet Duck industries are at stake here.

Helga said...

Mrs L,there is a charming pastime here that sounds similar to leaving a steaming pile on the stoop.It is called "A shit in a box"The idea is to dump the steaming pile into a box,put it on the stoop(or step,we would prob call it)set it on fire and ring the doorbell.The recipient usually,upon opening the door,stamps frantically on the flaming box to put it out,and gets steaming poop all over their foot!Too juvenile for words,but most pleasurable,I would imagine.I have never done this,by the way.But there is always a first time......

Christine said...

I may have to stop reading your blog at work. It's getting so DIRTY.

Well, since I live in the wilds of Canada (Montreal = wild) I have had to pee outdoors in my life. I have not moved my bowels outside though, unless you count horrible outhouses, which kind of make the whole "behind a bush" thing pretty attractive. I can't imagine a scenerio where going in your clothes would be better than squatting behind a tree. And now I'm going to stop thinking about it altogether.

Josh said...

Would you poo in the sea? If nobody else was around? Most of our poo ends up in the sea anyway and all the other animals do it...

IT IS ALLY said...

Joff, Michelle - Well, I consider my job is to provoke thought. About crap.

Helga - I think I would like you in real life.

Mrs L. - Hahaha! No, but I'm pretty sure it would catch on.

kat - No underwear and you're wearing a skirt. I say that because with you it is the most likely scenario (statistically)

Posie - I don't have many readers who are children. I hope. Man, I miss the days of crapping where you like!

Amy - Yeah. I've peed in gardens not belonging to me. Have also, in my drunken youth, peed on my own foot :(

ow1 - I write your name like that because it looks like OWL and they are wise, like you.

Leslie - AHAHAHAHA. Best story ever.

chris - It's not that we ignore it, it's just that there's not one in the garden. Bring back the outhouse!

Christine - I think your answer is the most sensible.

Josh - I would not poo in the sea! Well. Off the side of a boat yes. While I was swimming in the sea NO. "I found a sea cucumber!!"

Rachel said...

I have peed in many a place, and perhaps I shouldn't admit this, but I was little, so - I have pooed in the sea. So if I really had to... yeah, probably.

meccanica said...

Interesting post, especially as it was the first of yours I have ever read. I can confirm I will be back for more.

I would definitely poo in the garden if the need was there, and as the owner of three very large dogs I'm pretty sure I could pass it off as one of their own. Can't say I've ever had the need to poo in my garden though.

I did go for an early morning run in a posh part of London once and discover I had explosive diarrhoea which necessitated a wee clean up round the back of a very posh apartment block and an awkward moment or two when I returned to my host's top floor flat...

Do you really want to know all this? Too late.

On a related note I did throw up into my undies once while doing a poo in the head, on a ferry, in rough seas. Try getting out of that one without exposing yourself to other passengers.

日月神教-向左使 said...