Sunday, December 26, 2010

Post of Christmas Past*

*this is the shittiest title I've used in ages but my brain is still recovering from all the tiny mince pies I crammed into my face yesterday on the grounds that "they are only small, I might as well eat twenty of them," excellent way to give yourself the gift of indigestion.

Hands up if you knew that Lady Gaga did a Christmas song.
It is loosely based on Deck the Halls, but only loosely because I'm pretty sure Deck the Halls never went "Light it up, put me on top, let's fa la la la la, la la la la." Or, actually, "Ho, ho, Christmas - my Christmas tree's delicious." But it should've.

Basically what I am saying is do not go listen to it.

Christmas was nice and festive - we Christmassed our way through family dinner and the Queen's speech, although because our TV was not widescreen enough we were apparently watching "The Queer!" Tee hee, whee. Her purple suit is vibrant:

I feel a bit disrespectful about saving this as 'liz'

For those who missed it, the Queen/Queer's message was essentially: "The King James Bible was a good bible, born of co-operation. You know what else is born of co-operation? Sport. Heaps of people play sport and that's awesome. Happy Christmas." (Not kidding. It's here if you doubt me, or if you'd just like to listen to the Queen.) Happy Christmas indeed, anyone for backyard cricket? LBW, your Majesty.

Christmas dinner was good, if uncontroversial despite Uncle A musing to himself at about 10am, "Who will I argue with this year? What will I argue about?" and the Uncle B having his annual Q & A, featuring the ever-delightful, "So, what are you doing this year? What's the plan? What's next? What are you going to do?" To which everyone always wants to shout, FUCK OFFFFFF but of course you can't, that's Rude and not In The Spirit of Christmas.

I said gaily, "I don't know! Something will come up and I'll do that. Then something else, then something else, and on and on until eventually I die." Then I helped myself to more ice-cream. Ten Christmas points to me!

Other highlight of the day was explaining Rock, Paper, Scissors to my aunt and uncle (Inquisitive Uncle) who have apparently lived in some kind of cave for the last however many years, because who has never heard of Rock, Paper, Scissors? Seriously? Aunt buys lite cream and considers gluten content an integral element of any purchasing decision. She is au fait with the modern world. Uncle is a doctor. Doctors should know these things! How else will they decide who has to do the overweight gentleman's colonoscopy?

It's not brain sur- oh no.

Speaking of rock (SEGUE!) we had more quakes this morning - the power went out and now the man on the radio is talking about Transformers! Got excited, but it turns out they're something power-related and not, you know, those Transformers. Life is so fucking disappointing.

Also I have a swimwear dilemma - need to buy 1-piece togs (because am going to Auckland for new year and apparently swimming features and, while I have bikini, do not exactly have bikini body because too many little mince pies) and have no idea what the fuck to wear over the bottom half of them. Board shorts? Seems like those would look weird. Someone mentioned 'swimming skirt' but I'm not sure what that is. PLEASE HELP ME. I can't dress myself.


Anonymous said...

Yes on the board shorts front. Get short ones, like short shorts. No wait, like STUBBIES. Yes, get STUBBIES and then wander about with a moustache and a warm L&P and leer at everyone.

Some days I wish I had man-junk, just so I could create awkward situations with STUBBIES and weird looking buldges (will it escape? Won't it? What will happen, DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!).

Merry Christmas, Ally.

Anonymous said...
great swimsuit advice.

IT IS ALLY said...

Anon - Merry Christmas back! Will work on mustache but pretty sure stubbies and a sock to create faux-man-junk is go. Or maybe one of those 'snake' things. Or just a damn fake penis. I HOPE IT ESCAPES. I love your comment.

Ali - Thank you! Will check it out :)

Posie Patchwork said...

Board shorts are ace, they hide all mannor of sins & are pretty cool, just check the prices, you can pay a fortune, so they must be in fashion!!
Nice dodge on the uncle, we spent a quiet Christmas just we 6, no extended family, it was fantastic!! Merry Christmas again, so how about a Happy Boxing Day, love Posie

bluzdude said...

Just thinking how cool it would be to see a giant Santa Transformer trying to jam its self down a chimney.

Well, someone else's chimney...

Josh said...

I have never been completely convinced that paper's ability to wrap around a rock constituted a win. Scissors can cut the shit out of paper and rock and beat the shit out of scissors but wrapping around a rock? How does that destroy the rock? It can still break scissors, it doesn't need to breathe or anything... Surely paper can wrap around scissors in a similar fashion?

a cat of impossible colour said...

Josh is correct, that has always bothered me too. I think Paper should be replaced with Dynamite, although that causes same problem with Scissors. Maybe Scissors cut the Fuse of Dynamite? And Dynamite blows up Rock. Makes sense to me.

How about a sarong? It's knee-length to floor-length and you can wrap it different ways. Doesn't help with actual swimming, though. Mermaid tail?

chris.dadness said...

Well - how about Sarong Scissors Rock?

chris.dadness said...

Also Ally, have you considered a burqini?

slommler said...

I was thinking sarong too! Great way to cover up the bottom.
Have fun

Claire said...

Oh my god!

I had the EXACT same rock, paper scissors thing happen with my aunt this Christmas. How odd!

I couldn't understand how she'd gotten this far through life without understanding how it works. Like, there are a lots of references to rock, paper, scissors in tv and movies, let alone real life, did she just merrily ignore them up to now? And why did it take so long for her to ask someone? I was so confused.

And the answer is definitely a swimskirt. You can get them at like departments stores or somewhere that would normally sell lots of varieties of swimwear. They're little skirts made of swimsuit material that unlike sarongs you can wear in the water and not ruin!

Glad your Christmas was merry! :)

IT IS ALLY said...

Posie - sounds like you had a great day, pleased to hear it! Good advice on board shorts - also they are quite long. Will check out the shops.

bluzdude - AND IT WOULD TRANSFORM BACK INTO THE SLEIGH. Man. Someone should write a Santa/Transformers Christmas movie. Santron!

Josh - We-ell... I see your point, but that's dangerous talk. If Paper could wrap Scissors, it would be the end of the world as we know it.

Andrea - Yes! Scissors cut the fuse of Dynamite. That makes much more sense. Wonder why it hasn't always been so?

Chris - Aha! Burqini! Also, nice tie-in with Sarong Scissors Rock. It would wrap better than paper. Am trying to think of a 'Togs Sarong Bikini' version but nothing springs to mind :(

SueAnn - Yes! Will see if I can find a nice one. Bye-bye, bottom! Let's have no more of you! Hehe.

Claire - Hahahaha, seriously? What a weird coincidence. The Christmas of RPS, they will call it... does your aunt have children? Mine does (they're adults now), which was why I was so startled, thought they would've used it at some point during childhood. Swimskirt intriguing idea - will check it out! Thanks.