Not About Cannibalism

About Twitter. (Well, the start of it is. The end of it is about something else, but it isn't cannibalism either.) Do you twit? (That's what it's called, right?) I have recently begun to be slightly tempted to twit, but then it also seems awfully narcissistic, in a 'I post disjointed thoughts on an internet thing in the hopes that they will be read by everyone in the world." In a way completely unlike having a blog! (To be fair, I had this blog for ages before I had any readers.) Also it sounds kind of stupid but, then again, as a 'blogger' I don't really have a leg to stand on here.

So yeah in other news I start work tomorrow. I was trying to think positively about this, to see it as a period of change and excitement; a period of new ventures, of colleagues and friends and company email addresses, and of upping my number of Facebook buddies. I have now given that up as a lost cause and am just thinking about the money. Besides, if I go in with high expectations I could well be disappointed, but if I enter the building thinking "Well, this is going to be the most craptastic experience I've had since TLDOML (ooh, self-referential)," then I can't fail to be pleasantly surprised. Unless, of course, it really is that bad - in which case I can at least find a little joy in smugly saying "I told you so" to myself and everyone I know, including the blogosphere. Which is right up there with 'chillax' on my list of words that are satisfying to say, but make you sound like a douchebag.



Oh Jesus I have to iron my suit pants. After first finding them. And sewing a button onto the fly. I hate being gainfully employed and it hasn't even started yet.

I am slightly tempted to tell all of my new colleagues whopping great lies (I am engaged to a French airman/my preferred name is Napoleon and I respond to nothing else/I only have four toes on my left foot because of a horrific accident/I have a twin, who will be working for me on Fridays, but please don't tell anyone, etc.) but I would probably get found out. Is still tempting, though. (I have a face on my butt and if you touch it you can see the future.)

Oh God. I just had something pointed out to me. There are 7 of us 'coming on board' at once. You know what that means, don't you? (It's corporate-speak, and it means 'joining the company.' Sheesh, guys. Get with the program.)

There is going to be team building.

PLEASE GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OH FUCK IT ALL

TEAM BUILDING IS MY NEMESIS

I WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT TOMORROW

Items of Note*

*Perhaps

Brace yourselves, people. This is going to be a long post, because I have so many things to talk about. Fascinating things! Such fascinating things, in fact, that they will have be in list format for fear of overwhelming me (and you) with their sheer powers of fascination. (I'm sorry if this post is very boring - I feel slightly like an awards show presenter giving a rather A-List introduction to a star who is definitely lower B-List at best.)

Oh well, you should be used to it.

1. NaNoWriYeahNah

I'm thinking that I might do NaNoWriMo again this year. This is a slightly mental idea because for the first two weeks of November I'll be working and the show will be on, then for the last two weeks I was planning to quit my job and go on holiday. (Although staff party is at the end of November, and it would be nice to go out with a bang (not literally (ok, fine, literally.)))

Main reason am dithering over NaNoWriMo is that I can't think of anything to write about. I briefly thought about doing some Serious Literary Fiction (oo-er), but this nice idea was somewhat spoilt by my complete inability to take myself seriously.

I'm currently struggling with the climax and/or ending of existing novel (which is mid-edit) because it has to be semi-serious...last time something serious was meant to be happening, my main character became distracted and went into a long and completely unrelated digression about eggs. Why did he do that? I don't know. I keep trying to take out the eggs, and yet the eggs come back. Even if I manage to get rid of Inappropriate Egg Digression, character unintentionally uses a word in the wrong context, creating very witty dick joke.

Obviously there is no way something totally serious would keep me entertained for a month.

So I figure I am going to have to write something semi-serious. It can be like one of those two-layer chocolates. But not really. Chocolates are not always the best metaphor. Suggestions welcome (for novel or better metaphor, I don't mind).

2. My Lack of Internet Celebrity

I wonder how people get to be internet celebrities? Probably they just have more interesting blogs than me - by which I mean they have a more interesting blog than I do. (Although multiple interesting blogs would probably also help.) (God I am so tired.) But no, that can't be right, because some famous-on-the-internet blogs are simply terrible.
Sigh - I am not a meme. ("I wanna be a meeeeme! When I grow up, I wanna be an Internet meeeme!")
I can't be a meme, I don't even have a blogroll! I do not like the term blogroll. I think from now on I'll write 'blogroll,' not blogroll, in much the same way as I am insisting on calling 6am 'new 6am' and making little quotation marks with my fingers in that irritating way that people do. (Daylight savings was yesterday. 5am is the new 6am, and I am very bitter about this.)

3. My Cough And Ribs (a complaint, feel free to skip)

My ribs are still sore, and I am still coughing a lot. In addition to the cough, I have developed a wheeze! I was going to treat you to a little poem about the wheeze and the sneeze and some other things of that (phonetic) nature, but then I realised that a) I would be ripping off A.A. Milne and b) I would be ripping off Joe Bennett and c) none of you unartistic bastards would appreciate it anyway.

4. Learning About Serious Phrases

I have been learning about Serious Phrases. It turns out that there are Serious Phrases To Take Seriously ("we have to pay the power bill," "I love you (sober usage)"), Serious Phrases You Can Ignore ("you need to buy toilet paper," "I love you (non-sober usage)") and Serious Phrases you Should Have Taken Seriously, but Didn't ("do not drink whilst taking this medication.")

Found a Word file today (hilariously titled 'do not drink whilst yeah whatever') which appears to consist completely of random, disjointed thoughts. Many of which trail off in the middle, or change subject entirely -

5. Now I have nothing to put here.

I just thought I was being kinda clever, there. And now I feel like I should not start sentences with 'and,' but also that I should have something witty and sophisticated to write here instead of just random sentences to make this paragraph look like something with an actual point to it and not just something to fill up space, which it is. I am sorry that this is not a pithy observation of society. Right now I am very tired and not very pithy at all.

Obviously.

Toes Go In First

or, Thank God It's Friday. Look at me with my plebeian dayjob mind! I am sick of cutting up sticks now. Sure, it's fine for the first five hours, but the last three are sheer hell.

In other news, the novel editing is going well. By this I mean the editing of my Seminal Work, not the brand new editing or whatever that would've implied if it didn't imply the editing of my Seminal Work. My brain has atrophied. I have a headache and every time I close my eyes I see your face...no, I see vines. Got carried away there but I see vines, tangled vines, and sometimes my secateurs. snip snip snip swear internally. although today one of the guys lost his temper, shouted 'motherFUCKER' and kicked the vines, then his bucket. Was going to work a 'kicked the bucket' pun in there, but decided against it as I am WISE.

Also I Beboed. Every time I go on Bebo I die a little inside. To Bebo or not to Bebo? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the awful grammar and chatspeak of the detritus of humanity, or to fight against the sea of people who are adding you to their Bebo thing and sending you mindless messages, and by opposing piss them off?

and now I'm BORED but I can't be bothered doing any work, and it's still TWO HOURS until Footballers' Wives comes on. Gosh life is HARD.

I was thinking today about how if God did, in fact, make Man in his own image it was kind of a narcissistic thing to do- even if they were talking metaphorically. If not, surely I have a point? I mean, you make all these animals in all these weird shapes and sizes, cats and rats and elephants and so on, and then you stop and look at them and go "Shit yeah." And then you get up the next day, and you think 'Today I am going to make a creature that will DOMINATE all of this other stuff I've made. And this thing right up at the top of the food chain is going to look like ME. And there will be MILLIONS of them, and they are All Going To Look Like Me.'
It's more or less the divine equivalent of standing in front of the mirror going, "Hey! Everybody! Come and see how good I look!" I mean, I'd totally do it that way, were I God, but God isn't supposed to do the sort of things I'd do were I Him.

On that note, my father (actual, not celestial) wants to use the computer. This is fair as it is in fact his computer. I am going to put my electric blanket and my pyjamas on, then go upstairs and watch bad TV in front of the fire. It is going to be AWESOME.