Friday, March 25, 2011

Homewares!

This was going to be quite a serious post about life and career and omg I met this boy and now I really liiiiike him (true story) and other such fascinating things that I wanted to have an emo rant about, but luckily I was stopped in my tracks by the arrival of the craptastic homewares catalogue!

Somehow the catalogue (which I have written about before) seems to be filled with things you absolutely don't need, but the makers of the catalogue are just so excited about them that it's hard not to get on the bandwagon (which is shaped like a mouse and will cut 5 different thicknesses of cheese).

Here are my favourite 9 items from this issue. All photos are from Magnamail's website.

1. Mississippi Harmonica, $19.90
"Play all the songs you love, even if you've never played a musical instrument before." No! No. This is a terrible idea. Why would you even sell this? "In no time at all you'll be playing like the performers on an 1880 Mississippi Riverboat" ack no you won't you'll be playing like someone who just received a harmonica in the mail and is now trying to belt out Nickelback in the bath.

2. Anti-Frost Mat, $8.90
"Smile at the fact that you'll never have to chip and scrape away at ice in your freezer anymore." Derek thought about the fact that not anymore ever would he have to chip and scrape away at ice in his freezer and, for the first time since that fateful March day, he smiled.

3. Telephone Ear Amplifier, $19.90
For anyone who doesn't have a volume control on their phone. (And also wants to look super fash.)

4. Holographic Guard Owls, $8.90
"Hang from a tree or post, as metallic bells release a fierce "rattling" noise."
Oh my God. Honey? Honey, do you hear that? Is that... a snake? Oh! Oh, silly me, of course it's just the guard owl. One of our set of two guard owls.

5. Frog Jumping Game, $12.90
"The whole family will want to join in the excitement of this simple yet hilariously fun game." Which appears to be frog-shaped Tiddlywinks designed to provide "hoots and hours of laughter." Jimmy! Jimmy, don't flick your frog in the baby's eye! Oh no wait the baby is hooting. Unlike the holographic rattling guard owl.

6. G-I-A-N-T Teacup & Saucer Planter, $36.90
"Designed to look exactly like a regular teacup and saucer... only this one's much bigger!" Did you guys know that if you write that word without the dashes in between the letters, the G-I-A-N-T-S will hear you?

7. Lemon & Tomato Keeper Set of Two, $10.90
Tomato keeper shaped like a tomato. Lemon saver shaped like a lemon. YO DAWG I heard you like fruit in yo' fruit so I OH MY GOD THIS IS THE AGE OF THE METAFRUIT

8. Swan Bath Mat Set, $26.90
"Bring Romance into your Bathroom."
Does that make you feel romantic? It's certainly doing it for me. Makes me want to take my pants off. But then again, I am in the bathroom.

9. Set of 4 Meerkats, $34.90
"Create a delightful scene in your garden!" Here is a preview of what the delightful scene might look like:
"Friends and neighbours will think they're real!"

Back later, I'm going to fetch my credit card.

17 comments:

Awesomeness in the Flesh said...

METAFRUIT FOR THE WIN!

sophie rosalind said...

oh my god i love you.x

sophie rosalind said...

ok that looks a bit OTT on screen especially considering i've never met you. what i meant to say was 'i enjoyed your descriptions of the items in the homewares catalogue.'(x)

slommler said...

Ha! I can't breathe!!!!!!!!! I am laughing so hard I spewed coffee through my nose!! That totally sucks too!!!!
I am in love with you too!!!! Can we share sophie?? Ha!!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Johannthecabbie said...

I want a meerkat.

Matt said...

I can't believe that the portable urinal didn't make your list. I am disappointed.

a cat of impossible colour said...

I WANT A GUARD OWL.

Metafruit is a good band name.

Johi said...

This is a serious amount of awesome.
I think the word "bathroom" is romantic enough in itself.

Keely said...

OH MY GOD I need to have those hillbilly meerkats. RIGHT NOW.

Jo-Ann said...

Those meerkatz are seriously creepy..like "we are thinking of slipping through your cat door and slitting your throat" creepy! I am pretty sure your neighbours are NOT going to love them... And why is one of them wearing a scarf???? Thats just...eww! Hilarious post - thank you!

Raz said...

I hate this post because now I have to spend my savings on things that are shit. I'm not sure I can go on living without them.

IT IS ALLY said...

Awesomeness - Meta is so now.

Sophie - I think I love you too. Wait, is that weird?

SueAnn - We can share! There is enough love for all. It'll be like that TV show that I forget the name of - is it Big Love? - you know the one I mean.

Johann - You know the best thing? You don't just get one. You get FOUR.

Matt - It wasn't in my catalogue! Next time...

Andrea - Me too. Luckily there are two - one for you, one for me. As long as you don't think they'll suffer from separation anxiety.

Johi - I know, right? Just the word alone prompts a rush of emotions. I feel it deep in my... bladder?

Keely - Me too! Imagine a street where all the houses had those meerkats. Man, that would be awesome. I'm going to write to the council.

Jo-Ann - You're welcome! I had to share the horror. Good point about scarf - maybe meerkats are used to warmer climes and the other 3 forgot to pack theirs?

Raz - Me too. Catalogue is full of random shite that you never realised you needed quite this badly

Holly said...

Is it just me, or do those owls look like they're made from Duraseal?

Phil said...

I remember one product they listed - Spiked Garden Shoes: "Aerate the lawn while walking in the garden!!"

Bex Davies said...

I kind of want a few hundred meercats so I can post them around the CBD cordons, they look like they'll scare off everyone due to their realistic looks and all

a cat of impossible colour said...

I want to call my owl Stanley.

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