This was going to be quite a serious post about life and career and omg I met this boy and now I really liiiiike him (true story) and other such fascinating things that I wanted to have an emo rant about, but luckily I was stopped in my tracks by the arrival of the craptastic homewares catalogue!
Somehow the catalogue (which I have written about before) seems to be filled with things you absolutely don't need, but the makers of the catalogue are just so excited about them that it's hard not to get on the bandwagon (which is shaped like a mouse and will cut 5 different thicknesses of cheese).
Here are my favourite 9 items from this issue. All photos are from Magnamail's website.
1. Mississippi Harmonica, $19.90
"Play all the songs you love, even if you've never played a musical instrument before." No! No. This is a terrible idea. Why would you even sell this? "In no time at all you'll be playing like the performers on an 1880 Mississippi Riverboat" ack no you won't you'll be playing like someone who just received a harmonica in the mail and is now trying to belt out Nickelback in the bath.
2. Anti-Frost Mat, $8.90
"Smile at the fact that you'll never have to chip and scrape away at ice in your freezer anymore." Derek thought about the fact that not anymore ever would he have to chip and scrape away at ice in his freezer and, for the first time since that fateful March day, he smiled.
3. Telephone Ear Amplifier, $19.90
For anyone who doesn't have a volume control on their phone. (And also wants to look super fash.)
4. Holographic Guard Owls, $8.90
"Hang from a tree or post, as metallic bells release a fierce "rattling" noise."
Oh my God. Honey? Honey, do you hear that? Is that... a snake? Oh! Oh, silly me, of course it's just the guard owl. One of our set of two guard owls.
5. Frog Jumping Game, $12.90
"The whole family will want to join in the excitement of this simple yet hilariously fun game." Which appears to be frog-shaped Tiddlywinks designed to provide "hoots and hours of laughter." Jimmy! Jimmy, don't flick your frog in the baby's eye! Oh no wait the baby is hooting. Unlike the holographic rattling guard owl.
6. G-I-A-N-T Teacup & Saucer Planter, $36.90
"Designed to look exactly like a regular teacup and saucer... only this one's much bigger!" Did you guys know that if you write that word without the dashes in between the letters, the G-I-A-N-T-S will hear you?
7. Lemon & Tomato Keeper Set of Two, $10.90
Tomato keeper shaped like a tomato. Lemon saver shaped like a lemon. YO DAWG I heard you like fruit in yo' fruit so I OH MY GOD THIS IS THE AGE OF THE METAFRUIT
8. Swan Bath Mat Set, $26.90
"Bring Romance into your Bathroom."
Does that make you feel romantic? It's certainly doing it for me. Makes me want to take my pants off. But then again, I am in the bathroom.
9. Set of 4 Meerkats, $34.90
"Create a delightful scene in your garden!" Here is a preview of what the delightful scene might look like:
"Friends and neighbours will think they're real!"
Back later, I'm going to fetch my credit card.